The Bible According to Mark Twain: Irreverent Writings on Eden, Heaven, and the Flood by America's Master Satirist

“The Bible According to Mark Twain” is subtitled, “Irreverent Writings of Eden, Heaven, and the Flood by America’s Master Satirist.” An endorsement on the cover from Bill Maher tells readers, “Get your own copy before your local school board burns theirs.”Mark Twain has had, and will continue to have, his difficulties with school boards and other small-minded entities. Anyone who believes in the inerrancy of the Christian Bible will definitely be outraged by this collection of musings. Twain anticipated such a reaction. In a 1909 letter (reprinted on page 213), Twain told Elizabeth Wallace, “This book [“Letters From the Earth”] will never be published—in fact it couldn’t be because it would be felony to soil the mails with it....[Albert Bigelow] Paine enjoys it, but Paine is going to be damned some of these days, I suppose.”What Mark Twain does in these pieces is take some familiar Bible stories, such as Adam & Eve and Noah’s Ark, and imagines them in more detail than the original author(s) intended. Adam and Eve are “born” as fully formed adults, yet have language skills enough to write diaries of their days in the Garden of Eden. There, all the animals cavort together in harmony (like a Disney cartoon) without eating one another; there is no death. To busy herself, Eve makes fossils (out of what, we’re not told, for how could there be bones if nothing ever dies?) and she is sure that someday the fossils “will give Science the blind staggers.” By page 60 they’ve not only had Cain and Abel but seven other children; two of the girls are named Gladys and Edwina. Eve names all the animals, rides tigers and elephants, and has a grand time in this paradise, though does regret not having had a mother.In a way, it reminds me of a 1960 film titled “The Private Lives of Adam and Eve,” starring Mickey Rooney as Satan and Mamie Van Doren as Eve (Mamie even has a scene where she names any animal that comes along); Martin Milner is Adam (so, long before he co-starred on TV in “Adam-12,” he was Adam-1). The film, a long dream sequence, also has Mel Tormé, Paul Anka, and Tuesday Weld. How they were all talked into making this turkey we’ll never know...But I digress.Twain was not so much debunking Genesis as he was attempting to go behind the myth and take readers to Eden and put it all in more human terms (and perhaps show that, as Ira Gershwin wrote, things that you read in the Bible “ain’t necessarily so”). On page 70, Twain worries about over-population, though, for a time, “wars, pestilences and famines brought relief,” including a famine and pestilence that “swept away sixteen hundred millions of people in nine months. It was not much, but it was something.” But he didn’t see an end to unchecked procreating: “In time there will not be room in the world for the people to stand, let alone sit down.” He should see it now, billions of people later!Politics is never far from Twain’s slashing pen. There’s this on page 74: “Politician and idiot are synonymous terms.” On page 87 Twain ridicules as “a politician’s trick” the phrase “Our country, right or wrong,” calling it “a high-sounding phrase, a blood-stirring phrase” meant to turn the heads of an “uncritical” populace. He considered the phrase and its acceptance as “an insult to the nation.” As a precursor to the empty rhetoric heard around January 6, 2021 [think “Stop the Steal”], “the nation has sold its honor for a phrase. It has swung itself loose from its safe anchorage and is drifting, its helm is in pirate hands.” Some things never change.Along with excerpts from the diaries of Adam, Eve, and even Satan, there’s Methuselah’s diary, who says of baseball: “...the successful bits come too laggingly, wherefore the game doth lack excitement.” In Shem’s diary, we see his father Noah become so famous for building the Ark (which requires hundreds of workmen) that people come from far away to get his autograph. There are visits to heaven by Captain Stormfield and Captain Simon Wheeler (who finds it segregated by religious affiliation). Mostly, the writings in this volume are rough drafts of undeveloped ideas, bits and pieces that were never finished, which Twain returned to tinker with for years. They do give the reader insight into Twain’s creative mind, thanks to copious notes by the editors. Perhaps they were mental clutter that Twain needed to get onto paper in order to clear the way for bigger projects.“Letters From the Earth” is Twain’s most complete assault on Biblical matters, taking the form of letters from a temporarily exiled Satan to fellow angels back in heaven. There are eleven such missives, some numbered, some not (like the other pieces, this was an ongoing project with Twain, fiddled with over a course of many years). Satan informs his angelic friends that the Bible humans adhere to is filled with contradictions, inconsistencies, and much violence, and hypocrisy concerning sex. He is appalled that anyone could believe in it, let alone worship the god it supposedly came from. Satan notes, “All nations look down upon all other nations....All white nations despise all colored nations, of whatever hue, and oppress them when they can.” (page 223). For those keeping score, the “n-word” is scattered among the pieces about eight times. While it may be in keeping with the characters and the times in which they were written, it’s still jarring to read today. I’m sure Twain today would be OK with the editors excising it.Of the Bible itself, Satan says, “It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and some execrable morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.” (page 227)The funniest inclusion in this volume, and among the shortest, is called “Etiquette For the Afterlife: Advice to Paine.” Written in 1910, it is said to be “the last substantial bit of writing he would ever do.” The advice includes what to do on approaching St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: “Do not try to kodak [sic] him. Hell is full of people who have made that mistake. If you get in—If you get in—don’t tip him. That is, publicly...just leave a quarter on the bench for him, and let on you forgot it.” If admission to heaven went by merit, Twain tells his friend, “you would stay out and the dog would go in.”Next in line for some chuckles is “A Singular Episode: The Reception of Rev. Sam Jones in Heaven.” Twain lambasted the exuberant personality of an actual evangelist of his time, Samuel Porter Jones. Twain imagines that he and Jones are both dead and have traveled to heaven on a celestial train. Also on board is the late Archbishop of Canterbury. Twain deftly switches tickets with the sleeping Archbishop, resulting in Twain being admitted and the Archbishop rejected: “Professional humorists are not allowed here,” says snooty St. Pete. Before that can be straightened out, preacher Jones enters with a hearty, “Glory and amen, old Sam’s got there! Hey, boys!....old iron-bound brass-mounted copper-bellied hell-smiter and Satan’s-terror from the wilds of Texas! Shake!” Try as he might, St. Pete can’t find a reason to send Jones down to perdition. (On the advice of his wife, Twain did not publish this piece while alive.)A few excerpts from various pieces:“It is plain that God thought man would be a successful invention. The result proved that his judgment in this matter was unsound.” (page 315)Of Noah’s ark: “...if there was room for all the necessary animals, there was certainly not room for provender enough for them during so long a voyage.” (p. 316.) Twain does not mention the need to, uh, do a lot of scooping during such a trip. “If he had known all the requirements in the beginning, he would have been aware that what was needed was a fleet of Arks.” (p. 234) “The family had to live right in the presence of the multitudinous animals, and breathe in the distressing stench they made and be deafened day and night with the thunderous crash of noise their roarings and screechings produced...it was a peculiarly trying place for the ladies, for they could look in no direction without seeing some thousands of the creatures engaged in multiplying and replenishing. And then there were the flies...” (page 240) Nope, nothing that detailed in the Bible. It had to be brought to the attention of readers by Twain.“From youth to middle age all men and all women prize copulation above all other pleasures combined, yet...it is not in their heaven, prayer takes its place.” (page 224)“[Man] equips the Creator with every trait that goes to the making of a fiend, and then arrives at the conclusion that a fiend and a father are the same thing! Yet he would deny that a malevolent lunatic and a Sunday school superintendent are essentially the same. What do you think of the human mind? I mean, in case you think there is a human mind.” (page 239)“Many of these people have the reasoning faculty, but no one uses it in religious matters.” !(page 231)“To trust the God of the Bible is to trust an irascible, vindictive, fierce, and ever fickle and changeful master...” (page 317)Though there are long introductions to the pieces in this volume, eight appendices, and some fifty pages of explanatory notes, curiously there is no index.

This book collects Mark Twain's writings about religious issues he was wrestling with late in his life. The only drawback is that the print quality is not as good as it should be, making it more difficult to read than it should be.

It is true that Mark Twain mocked religion generally and many religious practices and ideas in detail in the short tales in this book, and that the mockery must have bothered and still bothers many people. Yet I think even as a religious person that people should read the fifteen short tales and the eight appendices very carefully because whether one is religious or not or just searching for answers, Twain's insights and the manner in which he presents them will cause the reader to think and if necessary rid him or herself of harmful, unnecessary, and obstructionist ideas, ideas that serve as a block that hinders new thoughts, for we all have them. Additionally, the books are funny whether you agree with the humor or not.

These are some of Mark Twain's more subdued writings. I can see why he did not want them published until after his death. If you are a devout bible thumper, you will not like this collection of his less known writings. If you want to know a lot more ab out the bible and it's sillier passages, it's for you. It's as if Mark Twain knew these adventures of his more atheist side would not be well received by his contemporary public. His heart was not in really sharing his more personal ideas on religion and christianity and Judaism. He was truly compelled to write this, but not really inspired.

I didn't enjoy all the book as parts are quite boring but in some writings, Twain humorously lampoons Christianity. In other works, he flat out destroys Christianity. Ironically, he says about one story that it shouldn't be published for 100 years after his death as it is so corrosive to Christianity. In Letters from Earth, he puts such a beatdown on Christianity that I can't imagine anyone could read it and not be changed. His logic shows easily how absurd is the belief.

Anyone who takes a literal approach to interpreting the Bible will be offended by Twain's interpretation. He reveals himself to be quite knowledgeable about scripture, but to be at odds with 19th century society's interpretations and practices of its teachings. That said, he does not preach or lecture. He tells stories. Most are variations on stories from the Bible. All are based on themes from the Bible. All are highly entertaining and thought-provoking.NOTE: About the "Narration" question: The book is a collection of stories. Some are First person; some are Third person.

I enjoy Twain's sense of humor and insightful comments. The book came very fast and was in perfect shape.

Atheist

A+

I love Mark Twain as an author and his satire is at his best in these writings. A great read.

A pleasurable read into the witty mind of MT.

Mark Twain at his most thoughtful and provocative - good read for all trying to understand the origins of religious parables and morals

Interessante Urkaubslektüre aus der Feder von Twain. Wenn man sich darauf einlässt eine witzige Geschichte, die allerdings im Verlauf der Story immer anstrengender wird. Aber allein für die ersten Kapitel lohnte es sich.