The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

I thought this book was good on a practical level for marriage, especially dealing with how couples fight and otherwise get along in marriage. If you are interested in this book, probably the best advice I could give you would be to check it out of the library first (if it's not at your own library location, many will reserve it at an affiliate library and ship it to yours for free), read it, and purchase it if you think it's really useful for you on a daily basis. That's what I did, and what I generally do with most books (usually they're books on health or computer programs) because I got sick of purchasing, and getting stuck with, books I ultimately found useless by the time I finished reading them. I thought this was a good enough to purchase, especially since I got the paperback version from the "New and Used" section for around $10 including shipping. I've taken marriage courses and read marriage books which describe the ideal of what a marriage should be--the core values that should be shared, the goals, etc. Those were great on an inspirational level but not very helpful when you're in the middle of an argument and have no clue how to get past some recurring problem. This book gave me some guidelines for uncovering underlying causes of tension in a marriage which may not be obvious when the discussion may seem to be going in the opposite direction. For me, simply purchasing the book after having read it for free from the library makes a statement that I found it useful enough to set aside a little extra cash and space on my bookshelf. There are a few things I don't necessarily agree with wholeheartedly which I will mention, but overall I took enough good information and techniques from the book to purchase it. First of all, there are a lot of exercises in the book, many of which seem useful on some level depending on what a couple's difficulties are. Toward the end of the book it felt a little like exercise overkill; for that reason I personally would suggest picking and choosing what to attempt based on a couple's foremost needs, and leaving the rest for consideration at a later time (i.e., if you generally feel like your each other's best friends but when you argue it gets explosive, try to figure out how to argue better by trying those exercises). Secondly, Gottman uses the term "Flooding" to describe when one partner freezes up during an argument. I found the use of that term pretty disconcerting, as it is both used gynecologically to describe a woman's overly-abundant menstrual flow and is used in psychology to describe an immersion method to get a person used to an uncomfortable situation (a totally different definition than Gottman's layman use in the book). Sorry if those descriptions are a little graphic for a review, but that should let you know my degree of cringing everytime I read the word used Gottman's way. Overall, I thought it was a good, decent book. I hope this review was helpful in your decision to read it.

When I got this book I thought my marriage was doomed. After reading half of it, in a weeks time our relationhip/friendship has never been better! My husband is not much for participating, but I have found ways to "compliment" him in areas he's not so great at. I put a question in his lunch box with my answer for him to read. He comes home now and kisses me and tells me thank you for the note. Affection was an area of concern for me, and it's working. I've also realized how much of the issue was mine not his. I know a lot of ladies will roll their eyes at that comment but I believe taking responsibility where it's due. NOt saying our issues stemed just from me, but I was creating the issues I had with my husband. I would "flood" him with, "why dont' you talk to me?", "Why aren't you more open to sharing with me?" Why this why that and I would keep doing it until we had a HUGE blow out and he would start "Stonewalling" and then I would think he didn't care, then it continued on and I would keep it going by yelling at him, telling him he was an insensitive jerk.... The other day he came home from MI, and instead of "flooding" him with questions, I showed him how excited I was to see him, and didn't ask him anything. I decided to wait for him to open up because I know he's not much of a talker, another way I "comlimented" him and before I knew it he just opened up and told me so much more than me trying to DRAG it out of him. I have also realized just how "normal" of a couple we are. I thought we didn't spend enough time together. In fact, we have a better relationship than most couples now I believe. When I was taking the questionairs, we were passing with flying colors and I was confused at first and thought this wasn't right. But we are doing very well I've been realizing. I would freak out because our marriage wasn't like the movies, and didn't realize.... we have a great friendship! We "turn towards eachother" more than I thought.... and my husband does a lot of the turning..... My purception of what I thought a "normal" marriage was, was so dystorted and this book helped me to realize just how GREAT and LOVING, and just how WONDERFUL of a friend my husband is. I love him even more and appreciate all the effort he puts into our marriage now. My eyes have been opened. We've been through so much with not much of a dating life (pregnant after 6 months of knowing eachother), striving to get our credit together to buy a house, bought a house, not even a year later my husband was laid off, we lost the house in a short sale (I feel very lucky for that), moving from MI where all of our family is to AL, to being robbed 4 times in less than a year, and getting back into a house.... I'm PROUD to say we've been through this and we've gotten through it and are still getting through it and we still haven't lost eachother. I've realized what a great friend he's been to me through all of this. I love you sweetie. And thank you to Mr Gottman, this book is amazing, and I also loved how he wasn't sexist. He points out throught the book that a husband and wife both should do this, not "what a wife should do to save their marriage" Which frustrates me to no end. He was very clear about both sexes working together, but that its also not a competition. LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS BOOK I highly recommend it. You're eyes will be opened.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert is an excellent bit of research turned into a practical marriage therapy guide. The funniest part about the whole thing: Why do we in modern day America take timeless principles that our Grandparents knew so well, throw them out the window as myth, but accept more openly the principles in this book because they are based on scientific research? I like the fact that Dr. Gottman did the research, don't get me wrong. It further drives home the point. We probably would take it as a bit of fluff otherwise. The larger themes The Seven Principles revealed to me were cultural. Tied up in our cultural woes we find millions of selfish, emotionally unintelligent divorced and lonely couples. Dr. Gottman refers to the "Four Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse": Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. These are now deeply entrenched in American culture and taught now by example in our homes, openly displayed in the media and heralded as positive traits among young people and their peers. The 60's philosophers and cultural changers threw the baby out with the bathwater. Civil Rights issues and the Vietnam War were the bathwater, family values and principles as demonstrated in Dr. Gottman's research were the baby. Of course, marriages were not necessarily all happy in traditional America. Dr. Gottman addresses progress culturally in some areas and does criticize certain traditional beliefs about husband and wife roles. However, when we see young men on killing sprees, suicide rates up in young people and emotionally and physically abandoned children as never before, the death of love and values in American marriages overwhelms any evidence presented by the Progressives supporting misguided notions of the evil traditional American family. The book is also a practical guide. I have been happily married to my wonderful wife for 24 years. My first and only successful marriage. My oldest daughter is now embarking in a few months on her own marriage adventure. I am buying this book as required reading and exercises for both Bride and Groom before they get married. I believe she and her husband-to-be are emotionally intelligent enough to marry- she of course takes after her mother. The Seven Principles are timeless in the sense that couples of all ages, development and varying success levels can apply them. We picked up so much that we are applying right now even after all these years. Highly recommend this book to anyone.

We had to buy this book and read parts of it as part of our marriage counseling. It really has some great things in it. Even though we had been dating for years and were planning to get married, this book shows you ways to learn new things about your partner. One of our favorite things in the entire book is to ask your spouse questions the questions about yourself to see if he/she knows the answer. This led to a lot of late night conversations about why we feel the way we do, or how we came to act different ways. This book can help bring a couple some insight into each other. The book was also good about making us have discussions that we hadn't previously thought about. When we were dating and planning a wedding, neither of us thought about how we would punish our children, or how much money we should plan to spend on certain purchases. This book served as an eye-opener for those kinds of situations, and helped us at least begin talking about different situations that may come up in the future. We've been married over two years, but still pull this book out from time to time just to see what new insight we can garner from it.

Practical, straight to the point, well written, backed by research and results. Even if you're not married, every couple should own a copy. This is one of the best relationship books I've read. What makes it extra special is the fact that the author has tested it with real couples from all walks of life. He has seperated the relationship myths from the facts (finally!) and shows you what works and what you need to work on. He also provides practical things to do to help marriages - and relationships - last. From watching too many romance movies, to well intentioned advice from family and friends, women in general have preconceived notions of what a relationship should be like and how they should behave. Some of these myths aren't helpful for relationships. By reading this book, some of you will realise that your relationship isn't so bad afterall. Even if you find that your relationship is on the verge of collapse, it can still be saved. If it can't, this book shows you why so you don't make the same mistakes in the next relationship. What this book has taught me is that how you start an argument is good indicator of how it will end. It shows that it isn't the "how he proposed to me" or "he bought me a big engagement ring" that matter, but the little boring things that add up - like whether he knows your favorite foods, when he does the dishes because he knows you're tired, if he is away for work but calls you to see how your day went, or you're upset about something and he listens. Those don't sound like wonderfully romantic things but they matter more than a wedding. Us ladies like to convey ourselves as the victims when we argue with our partner but we are just as guilty with our style of being overtly emotional. But men aren't off the hook either - some men refuse the influence of their partners to their relationship's detriment. The book improves relationships, saves marriages but also helps make them last - and cheaper than going to a therapist. If I could, I'd give it 6 stars.

After 25 years of marriage, the relationship between my wife and I was probably typical of many marriages - we were living parallel lives under a single roof, united by children and our common goals in raising them. We were physically present but not emotionally present in our relationship; we lacked the depth, the emotional bond we once had. If you have ever tried marriage counseling, you will be surprised to read what Gottman has to say about it; but you will realize his comments are the unvarnished truth. Typical marriage counseling is rarely effective (I was stunned to read his nearly exact description of the marriage counseling my wife and I had been through some months earlier!). Gottman's book came highly recommended by my therapist. My therapist asks couples who wish to have counseling to read the book and work through its exercises. The insights Gottman's book offers are excellent. My therapist bases much of his work with couples on the book, and it becomes the basis for discussions with couples. The book has been a lifesaver for my marriage, and given me a new view of my existing relationship and a path for improving it. I have seen so many of Gottman's observations in my relationship with my wife - some good, some bad - and I can only state unequivocally that anyone in a relationship will find this book a valuable resource.

I'd recommend this book to anyone looking to be in a romantic relationship, not just married people. John Gottman is the best author you could read. I bought this book for a Psychology of Marriage class at my university, and I will always keep this book like a bible to me; I even bought one for my sister and brother in law, who are the best couple I know, because they found it interesting as well. My copy, which I'd bought brand new, now has several underlines and stars and dog ears, because every page is filled with wisdom. These are not just an old man's ideas about how relationships should work, he really has several years of studies under his belt. This book really tells you what works and what doesn't, and how to get your relationships on track. This book changed my life, because it helped me with not only romantic relationships, but my family and friend relationships. It has several handy little exercises throughout the book that you can do with your partner, if you wish. It's 7 principles are so easy to understand and once you do understand, they are easy to put into practice. Everything is supported by research and explained in a very logical way.

There are certain sections of the book that I really enjoyed. The information collected from the "Love Labs" is pretty good, or I guess better said, the conclusions from the data is good. Conclusions because the purpose of the Principles is to share the knowledge discovered in the the labs and put into practice those principles that help a marriage thrive. Nothing wrong with that. However, Gottman, like many others, still overstate, or worse poorly define, the purpose of marriage. In other words, why be married? Gottman gives a fair explanation as to the health benefits of being married, but that doesn't provide a purpose. So what does Gottman say the purpose of marriage is? Gottman says, "...you need to understand the bottom-line differences that is causing the conflict between you--and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will you be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into your marriage" (P. 24). This statement doesn't give a true understanding of a purposeful marriage, but what's even more striking is that the statement presumes too much. So, if my spouse and I uncover our differences and learn to live with those differences with honor and respect, then we should expect a shared sense of purpose in our marriage? That doesn't make sense. One particular area that I thought annoying is the repetitive--I can tell if someone will divorce in the first three seconds--or I can tell you with 91% accuracy who will or will not divorce--again within minutes of an interview. All this may be true, but it's annoying. Lastly, I noticed some of the other books Gottman has written along with his wife, and I read one other one, and boy did it sure look very familiar with this book. So, it seems like a rehash of same material but in a different format. That's kind of crappy.

If you're struggling in your relationship, this book may be able to help you. If you, like us, are (were) constantly fighting, you are probably undergoing lots of unnecessary stress in your life. For my husband and I, it got to the point where we felt the stresses and strains of our constant fighting were almost certainly taking a toll on our mental and physical health. We knew we loved each other, we knew we wanted to be together, we just didn't know how to make it work amicably. We started the book two years ago and worked through the first two principles. We had those two nailed, thought we were good and put the book down for a couple of years. Although things were better for a few months, slowly, over time things deteriorated again. In reality, we hadn't yet gotten to the chapters that dealt with the problem areas in our marriage, so nothing was different over the long term, and no new understanding had been gained. Recently, tensions were high from constant arguing, and both of us felt that we had done lots of damage to our relationship from years of arguing and didn't see a way out. It pains me to say that divorce was considered by both of us as a way out of this mess. I combed through the book again, skipping ahead to the chapter that best applied to us: gridlock. There it was, the information we needed to understand our conflicts and make them easier to handle. Basically, I grew up in a house where shouting led to painful (drunken) character attacks and volatile behaviour, and he grew up in a house where shouting was no big deal. So, when he shouted, I shut down, and all discussions were over. He felt shut out and hurt, judged and hated, and I felt damaged and afraid. Realizing that we are both different, and that he doesn't set out to hurt anyone when he yells, allowed me to accept him as he was, and turned the outbursts in comical situations that quickly are forgotten. Nobody is perfect: he is loyal, loving, devoted and hardworking, and I can't throw all that out the window because he doesn't ask the kids in a quiet voice to pick up their markers etc. Best of all, my kids take their cue from me, and when dad raises his voice, they listen without cowering, love him anyway, and accept him as he is. We have all gotten closer as a result. We still have a lot of work to do, but I feel that this book has pointed us in the right direction and that our house has felt so much lighter since. Everyone deserves a loving and harmonious relationship, and if you're struggling, remember to put as much effort into your marriage as you put into anything else you care deeply about, and to get help with skills and tools you might not have had modeled for your self, but which you can learn! This book covers all the areas you need to strengthen for a happy marriage, so you too can be one of those annoyingly happy and sweet couples (that I always secretly envied)! Good luck and thanks for reading.

John Gottman & co.'s depth of study and investigation makes this work much greater and gives it incredible depth, but he is able to articulate his findings in clear, simple ways that make sense of the complexities of marriage :)

If you cherish your marriage, this is the cheapest investment with potentially the biggest long-term impact in your marriage or your life. If your marriage is successful, why not make it better or find out why it is successful. If your marriage is failing, there could still be hope. If your marriage has failed, maybe you can find out why from reading this. Whatever your circumstances, this book encompasses concepts that make sense. But you need to be open minded. A vacation is not going to save your marriage. Trust me. I tried. A mutual understanding is what you need. Get and read the book.

Good book, but I'm not 100% sure that it's accurate. It's a good perspective though. There is no one recipe to make a marriage work. I know couples that always put each other down, but they are happy together and will die together.

This book has helped all my relationships, and you don't have to be married for it to help in your relationships with the opposite sex. The advice given is highly useful .. I have found that if you make a commitment to do as Gottman suggests, it affects other people in good ways too, so there's better communication and more respect. This is the best how-to guide I have come across yet, and I would recommend it for people who are ready to improve how they get along with others, and especially for those who want to improve on an old relationship.