Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change

The explanations of CBT advised for people with borderline personality disorder were helpful, but her suggestions for how to conduct dialogues in certain situations were bizarre and even insensitive.

This book gave me a lot of insight into my loved one's condition (borderline personality disorder). I had previously looked up the condition online and got a lot of seemingly random phrases that didn't mean anything to me, like "radical acceptance." Reading this book gave me a solid understanding of the neurophysiological underpinnings, the subjective experience of what she and others like her feel on a daily basis and helpful strategies to deal with it. Although I can't see myself saying the whole validation paragraph, I am able to incorporate its essence and express it in my own words. The bottom line is that it is making a difference and has transformed my relationship.So why only 4 stars? This book is around 400 pages, and in my opinion, could easily have covered the information in half that. A lot of it is repetitive, especially parts that explain how the person with BPD feels and the way that family members feel. While this is important in the beginning, the reader does not need to be told it over and over again. Some of the recommendations are confusing and seemingly contradictory and for those, I would have liked to see some examples.All in all, it has helped me, so my recommendation is if you love someone with BPD, grit your teeth and slog through it. It's worth sifting through for some real gems that can make a significant difference in your life and that of your loved one.

Five months ago, even two months ago, I would not have dreamed that I would be here writing this story. It’s a story that must be told and I hope it will help you.My 36 year old daughter was diagnosed in her 20’s with BPD. She began showing signs of trouble at 13. We sent her to therapists and an outdoor program and other in-patient programs hospitalizations. Followed all the DBT principals in trying to engage and have a relationship with her. Nothing helped. In fact the past 2 years have been the worst. We haven’t been able to talk to each other civilly in nearly 2 years, and when she has communicated with us it is almost always a stream of ugly, profanity-laden, and hurtful accusations and name-calling, inferences about hurting herself, and more.We had read Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder early on, during the first year or so of the diagnosis (actually we were reading everything we could get our hands on). We found Valerie’s approach of compassion to be most helpful…. But…. therapists were giving us near opposite instruction and direction: draw boundaries; create a plan for/with her and stick to it; hospitalize her if necessary; etc.. Fast Forward to January 2021 and my first 8 week Zoom class with Valerie on Mentalization; followed by the 10 week Family Empowerment class (although ideally the Family Empowerment course would be first, followed by Mentalizaton), and fascinating and seeing the possibilities (but with many questions about our daughter specifically) ended up having a few one-on-one sessions with Valerie. We have learned more about our daughter and how to engage her in these few months than in all the years before combined. We started using basic Mentalization and there is no other way to describe it than transformative. It is doing wonders! Over the past 5 months the trust is growing, and even more amazing the past few weeks with my daughter has been incredible. It’s going to be a long road, and there will be bumps along the way, but I truly do not think I would have a daughter today if not for this technique and Valerie’s relentless insistence that we MUST change our expectations and pre-conceived notions (implicit biases), radically accept her for who she is and where she is at this moment, and always, always, Mentalize. We recognize the many controversies about BPD treatment, but simply put, everything else we have tried for 15-20 years failed; but this has worked.

I came across this book when my daughter was 17. She was incredibly unhappy and everything we did seemed to make things worse. She would barely speak to us and I was in fear constantly of her committing self harm or putting herself in unhealthy situations. Any efforts we made to help her were met with anger and resentment. The turnaround in our relationship after reading and implementing the strategies in this book was dramatic. I understood so much better how she perceives the world around her. We were able to help her feel more loved and accepted and that made such a difference to her. And that has allowed us to be able to help her navigate through some challenges. She still struggles, but things have definitely improved. I just wish I had known about dialectic behavioral therapy sooner. She's not willing take any skills classes at this point, but I think she would have been open to them as a younger teenager. I would recommend this book to anyone who has a loved one who struggles with intense emotions and the fallout that occurs as a result.

Prior to this book I had read several self-help books on the subject, but my particular relationship with my BPD loved one was only getting worse and worse. This book helped me to understand what she was going through and to approach her with compassion and empathy. It really worked! Now I have a much better relationship with her and I believe this book saved us from total disaster. Whereas other books preach boundaries and borders, this one helps the reader to understand that whatever they are going through, it's not their fault, nor the sufferers fault. The anger and abuse are not about us. Once we learn to let it go over our heads and see the world through their eyes, it's much easier to cope. Thank you for a wonderful guide to coping with this horrible affliction.

Diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder, and although literature/help books were limited for me 2 years ago when diagnosed, there was no literature/books/help for family.I bought this book for my parents - I live with them as i’m quite poorly. My Mam loves the book. She said it helps her understand why I behave sometimes. Why my personality switches so quickly.Quite dense, and no ‘cure’, but it helps them.

I can't put into words how brilliant this book is. A must for anyone who has a friend or loved one who suffers with Borderline. It has opened my eyes and given me strength and hope. Written by a loved one of a sufferer who also has medical qualifications it is an insight into the pain Borderline people suffer and how we can help them cope with the illness.

I found this book too difficult to read. The title is clearly trying to be encouraging but instead makes one feel that something which is in fact extremely hard to tackle should be easy. The content is the same.

Very interesting and helpful book. Has quite a bit of detail in it to help families understand. But the author is an expert so i think she pens the feelings and descriptions very well.