The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

Approaching such an emotionally charged subject from a multitude of perspectives, with patience and profound curiosity, this book makes for a challenging but also an illuminating journey.

There's a lot to love about this brave, bold, beautifully written and impeccably researched this book. It should be read by any one going through or recovering from an affair and by any one who is counseling a friend or loved one through the experience of infidelity--including other clinicians! I love how Esther brings a more nuanced, compassionate and less judgmental approach to this topic that is more commonly subject to vilification and endless judgment. It's very easy to blame and reflexively want to label who's right, who's wrong, who's good, who's bad, etc--but that often doesn't allow for much growth or greater understanding in a relationship which is a crucial path for maturing and expanding as a human being. Offering a refreshing, radically different perspective on love, desire, infidelity and more, The State of Affairs offers the means for many more people to become emotional grown ups. It's lovely to read how Esther brings her whole heart to this subject and her clients; it's the combination of her big heart and brilliant mind that makes this book super compelling and allows her to have such a dramatic impact on her clients. Thank you, Esther!

What can I say, a book every person should read. I decided to read the book after watching numerous interviews of Ester. Her thought process, reasoning and advice are all so enticing. You just want to binch all her material. The way she brings complicated relational issues to us, and how she delve deeper is mind blowing.This book is no different, her words fly off the paper and her reasoning and conceptualization of each couples delimma is absolutely beautiful. The way how she doesn't judge your wrongs but understand she is there to listen, delve deeper and help one make sense of the why.I am in no way in a marriage of infidelity but I know ppl who had gone through it, who had done it to their partners, who are being judge for it, and of whom had lost partners and yet they have no closure of the "why". I was one of those who would simply just judge someone who committed infidelity and see the partner as the victim, never thinking even in this story their are two sides to the coin and if we take the time to delve deeper we too would realize often time there is no victim because both parties have a part in what transpired. And this is the reason why I wanted to learn more about why ppl go astray, why we wonder or long for something different at times and what to do when that happens.I realized we are all just imperct human being, cheating is not just the physical, it is the emotional. Some of us cheat in our minds and that is also something we need to talk over and deal with. I certainly have found myself in the mind cheating sphere and this book really help you dig deeper and finding answers.This book is not only for those who committed infidelity or who had been cheated on, it's for everyone because we are all capable of infidelity in one form or another. The sooner you learn about it, the better you'll be able to understand and be less judgmental to those even yourself committing it.

Great book, has really helped me with my marriage and helped me understand more about affairs. Take note that I read this book almost 6-8 months after discovery of the affair and months of marriage therapy so I believe this book would not have been as helpful earlier in the process. I don’t believe my head would have been in a place of willingness to hear some of the things in this book. However, every scenario described in the book, at first I’m always upset at the cheater and can’t understand why they would do that, but after Ester explains both sides, even though I don’t agree that an affair is the right choice or a good solution, I do understand better and see that there is not always a clear right and wrong party.Overall I really like this book and feel it has really helped me in understanding affairs in general as well as in my own marriage. I will caution, like previous reviewers commented, a chapter near the end of the book suggests that maybe the problem isn’t infidelity but our society’s definition of marriage and maybe we need to rethink the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is allowed in a marriage. This, in my opinion, is flawed and goes against everything I believe. Besides this one chapter dedicated to this idea, there are moments sprinkled in the book where she hints at this notion but she herself seems confused on if that is the best solution as most of the time the relationships with more liberal open rules still end up having affairs, so her defense on this idea doesn’t have much weight. Other than those moments I love the book and it has truly helped me understand and forgive and move on, not forget, but forgive and move on.My favorite part of the book is a chapter near the end that talks about three different types of couples (referring to ones that stay together after infidelity), the ones who never move on, they stay hurt and constantly bring up the affair and the pain and blame each other, the ones that sweep it under the rug and almost pretend it never happened and “move on” but they don’t really move on because they live in denial that anything even happened, and then there are those that use the affair to transform their marriage and find the positives from the affair and can connect more deeply because of it.I gave this book 4 stars instead of 5 mainly because of the ideas I don’t agree with regarding redefining marriage, a notion that half the time she seems to be on the fence about herself but has a whole chapter dedicated to it as well as sprinkled hints about through out the book. Other than that I do like the book and found it insightful and loaded with good ideas and mainly understanding.

Very interesting perspective on infidelity from both sides of the fence. Would recommend reading this book regardless of your relationship status.

Me encanta como escribe Esther, es tan interesante e inteligente y tan variada. Es como leer y pensar en distintos idiomas al mismo tiempo. La temática del libro es muy actual y se aborda de excelente manera. Soy fan.

This book helped me understand both sides of the coin. It is written outstandingly, without any judgment and really opening a conversation about the taboo that affairs are. I can only recommend it to couples, also if you're not going through something like this, you still can take a lot from it.

Again, Esther Perel takes us on a journey to self-discovery. It's an invitation to question our definition of monogamy, infidelity. The stories shared in this book give a large spectrum of perspectives that one can relate to one way or another. One thing for sure, we're living a society shift and this book helps seeing the good outcome that chaos can bring.

Really enjoying this book. Helps me understand a lot about my partner