The Lies We Tell Ourselves: How to Face the Truth, Accept Yourself, and Create a Better Life Paperback – January 1, 2017

I’ve not words to adequately describe the author’s influence by this work on my mind and heart.One attempt: “Moving.” I’ve moved. It rather my heart and mind are in a different place than where they were before reading.Perhaps this too will be telling for some. I wrote this below to the person who shared this book with me,“Wow. Humorous, witty, at times poetic, poignant, eye-opening, and most of all unreserved truth telling.One of a reader’s challenges: not marking every page with a self-relevant insight.Thank you.”

A book for those of us who refuse to face certain aspects of ourselves and our reality (in other words, everyone). Compelling, trenchant, funny, sad and touching, it's the kind of book that sits you down and says, "Better get your act together before the show's over. You just wasted another day." Here's a tiny sampling of how Frederickson nudges us out of our deadly denial: “I don’t understand why this is happening," we say. That’s okay. Whatever is happening does not need our understanding. It exists whether we understand it or not. Not registering the facts, we try to bargain with the universe, hoping life will say, “You don’t get it? Fine. I won’t show up until you do.”Beautifully crafted and BRILLIANT. A joy to read!

If you are on a journey of self-growth, this book can offer some insights from a leading practitioner here in the USA. I did finish it in its entirety. Some reviewers have mentioned the stories shared to highlight the lies as less than. I found them to be realistic and useful for conveying his point. I do, however, wish that Frederickson had offered a deeper dive in an introductory format to how defense mechanisms actually work, as an unconscious practice that is active out of our conscious awareness and how therapy can be a useful tool in revealing ourselves to us in meaningful ways. That would have earned him five stars, so without that I give four for it is a worthy read as a springboard on your journey to greater self-awareness.

I've read hundreds of self-help books over the years, some of them were quite good, some of them not so much. I believe that the overall quality of a self-help book depends not just on the contents or the subject-matter, but on what step of your journey to self-actualization you find them. It's kind of sad that there are books that its contents you can't accurately evaluate until you're ready to do so. There were books that at the start of my journey there wasn't so much I could get out of, but when I reread them later, I found myself relating to what the author wanted to say. Having said that, I don't know if Jon's book would've been valuable for me a couple of years ago, but at the stage that I am, it was certainly a gift. This was the first book that made me realize that I don't need to be fixed; I don't need to strive to be "better", I'm already good just as I am. With Jon's help, I realized I was wishing to be an idealized image of myself. One that was "healthy", one that could only say that he was good, if he didn't have any self-doubt or self-criticism. I realized that once I was able to let go of relating to a fantasy, and relate to what is already here, then and only then I can find true inner freedom and happiness. Only if we abandon the lies (what's wrong with us and how we could be "better"), we can face the truth. And the truth is, facing and being with reality is the only way to be free. I don't know if this is a book that can have as much of an impact on your life for the better as it did on me, but I can honestly say, if I had to choose a book to bring to a deserted island, this would be it. Jon's kind words can be therapeutic in themselves. They certainly were for me.Read it. Grow with it. Thank you, Jon, and I wish you all the best!

Just as Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child should be required reading for every therapist (and patient!), this book is a must read for all of us -- therapist and patient alike. This book is also a nice compendium to Co-Creating Change. Whereas Co-Creating Change provides a more technical tour through the therapeutic tasks confronting us, The Lies We Tell Ourselves is deeply personal. I was moved to tears on many occasions and truly felt that I was made wiser by reading the case vignettes and Jon's commentaries on them. This book helps us to accept our limitations and find the realistic hope within them. We are not omnipotent nor should we be; instead, we embrace what life brings to us so that we can have truly close relationships with others and do good things for ourselves.

Finally a self-help book that exposes defenses and challenges us to face the reality of our experience in the world. Jon is merciful enough to speak prophetically against the ways in which we are dishonest with ourselves and how we distort reality to fit our fantasies. With a wealth of philosophical, psychoanalytic, and theological sources, he shows how this attempt to avoid our pain actually causes tremendous suffering. Despite some hastiness in the prose, I found myself feeling convicted throughout. A great book for clients and therapists alike. This is a hearty recommendation to anyone who is tired of hiding from the world and their feelings about it.