The New Bottoming Book

Every now and then, over the course of the year and a quarter that I've been exploring BDSM, I've stumbled across a perfect gem: an author who voices my own unspoken thoughts more clearly than I ever thought possible. Having spent over two decades ashamed of my own need and ultimately isolated from my sexuality, I cannot overstate the value of these little glimpses into other minds that think like mine. Polly Peachum's lovely essay "The Fragrant Dust" leaves me exhilarated and stunned with recognition. Miria Hunter and Yaldah Tovah have written some of the finest essays you'll ever read on the dynamics of consensual Master/slave relationships and the psychology of submission.Perhaps it was a mistake to pick up "The New Bottoming Book" looking for more of the same. After all, such a perfect meeting of the minds is a rare thing. I've learned from and enjoyed plenty of articles that weren't entirely on my wavelength. But here was a whole book on the experience of bottoming, a book that professes on page 1 to be "a celebration of sensational submissives and marvelous masochists . . . of those who love to struggle and serve and scream and submit . . . of bottoms, submissives, captives, slaves, pets and all the beautiful recipients who ever peopled a kinky imagination." I hoped that here was a book that would help me understand my own sometimes mystifying needs and desires.And there were some passages in the book that did exactly that. There's a list in Chapter 2 of emotions that a person might wish to experience in-scene, and along with such expected items as "helplessness," "lust," "humiliation," and "being nurtured," I was pleasantly astonished to discover "martyrdom," "pathos," "resentment," "sadness." Rarely, if ever, had I seen such emotions treated as potentially normal and desirable parts of the BDSM experience, and yet they figured often in my fantasies as part of an essentially cathartic psychodrama. Obviously, seeing as how Easton and Hardy saw fit to include them in the list, there are other people who have the same needs I do to venture into the realm of quiet, dark emotions.Unfortunately, such moments of joyous connection were rare. Through most of the book I had the disconcerting feeling that I was waiting for something that was just out of reach, promised and even sampled, but never actually attained. I wanted to read about the psychology of submission, while the authors seemed more focused on the erotic thrills of play. Easton and Hardy seem to expect their readers to engage in scenes of limited duration, with a variety of partners, for the purpose of mutual erotic gratification. If you're involved in, or looking for, a relationship based on total power exchange, internal enslavement, and/or consensual nonconsent, you won't find much of use in these pages beyond what you'd get in any general-interest BDSM book (there are a handful of references to 24/7 D/s in these pages, but ultimately nothing of substance). If you enjoy playing at being a slave, you'll love this book. If you really want to BE a slave, the constant focus on YOUR rights, YOUR power, YOUR gratification, may be more than a little disconcerting.I could easily have given this book four stars, in spite of its flaws. After all, it is presented, according to the title at least, as a guide to bottoming, not to submission or enslavement. There are far more play bottoms or part-timers out there than there are dedicated 24/7 lifestylers, and Easton and Hardy might well be commended for sticking to what they know rather than trying to tackle a topic with which neither has any particular experience (both authors are switches, and Hardy actually leans more to the "top" end of the spectrum). However, since one of the purposes of this book is to help novice bottoms accept themselves, I couldn't quite forgive a couple of brief passages that actually seem to disparage 24/7 relationships. On page 30, Easton and Hardy tell us that "[t]he desire you may have to be utterly bottom, to be operated by and operated on by another, to be very small, to be owned . . . is not reasonable." I found this very disturbing, as did several of my friends. After struggling for years with this strange and shameful desire to be truly and profoundly owned, the last thing we need is to be told by our fellow BDSM'ers that we're irrational and unreasonable. I read this sentence with only a twinge of uncertainty and a great deal of annoyance, but if I had picked up this book a year earlier, I likely would have come away from it in despair that I was disturbingly deviant even by the standards of folks who like to wear leather and hang out in dungeons.If you are a play bottom, this might be the most useful book you'll ever read. If you're a slave at heart, however, although you may find a few valuable nuggets scattered among these pages, I definitely recommend that you begin your literary explorations elsewhere.

Interesting book, Janet Hardy takes a serious subject, how to be a safe, informed, and well prepared bottom, and treats it with logic, common sense and humor. Everyone has a different definition of what it means to be a bottom and Hardy's book helps you figure that out for yourself. Its not a how to manual, there are other books for that, it is more of a its alright to be who your are manual. Some sections, such as her dealing with the internet, are a little outdated, but all in all the information in here is timeless and for both bottoms and tops its a book you should read.

I bought this book because I was looking for an honest philosophical discussion of BDSM and bottoming that would help me understand myself more. I wanted to unravel the problematic relationship between a desire to be debased and an antithetical strong belief in feminism. I did not find that in this book. What I found was a manifesto and a how-to book with many lost opportunities to be honest or thorough in their examination of what it means to be a bottom. This page is an example: they mention the concept of “forever roles” (the way you can wind up feeling like you are still submissive and weak and your partner can wind up still feeling dominant even when it is not play time) and they completely side-pass the opportunity to discuss the extremely problematic nature of this phenomena, instead giving some nebulous suggestion to assuage each other’s ego. What? If a man continues to feel dominant over women and I continue to feel debased and subordinate to men during my real life, that is a PROBLEM. Clearly the people who wrote this book have pledged their allegiance to the culture of BDSM and dare not speak any heretical doubts about it even for a second. Disappointing.

Awesome book! Relatively new to the BDSM community and found this book to be helpful and informative. The authors go over in great detail all the different aspects of play and scenes and give personal examples. They also remind readers that there is no shame in someone’s desires and emphasize as long as there is communication and things are handled in a safe and consensual way, the outcomes are amazing. I was worried it would be outdated as it was published 20 years ago, but the same general principles apply well.

This is NOT a How To Manual but rather real-life anecdotes showing the sensations, feelings, meaning and power one can experience through a BDSM exchange, scene or practice.I love understanding why people do what they do. It is easy to describe what a sexual practice or relationship looks like in terms of external appearances and customs and those things are covered by many other books. This gives a VERY thoughtful, intimate and personal description of the way the authors and others experience being a “bottom” in a bdsm exchange, i.e., the one generally in a receiving role in a scene.The authors explain some of the reasons *why* and how these exchanges can be transformative, healing & spiritual and of course mention the more commonly known reasons, such as enjoyment!I highly recommend this if you are trying to understand the appeal and some of the emotional and psychological cautions and possible outcomes and safety issues.

I'm surprised it took me so long to read this but once I found it I was glad to spend a few hours going through it. Janet Hardy takes a serious subject, how to be a safe, informed, and well prepared bottom, and treats it with logic, common sense and humor. Everyone has a different definition of what it means to be a bottom and Hardy's book helps you figure that out for yourself. Its not a how to manual, there are other books for that, it is more of a its alright to be who your are manual. Some sections, such as her dealing with the internet, are a little outdated, but all in all the information in here is timeless and for both bottoms and tops its a book you should read.

Found it interesting and helpful. It seemed to provide a good if brief overview. Enjoyed the writing style and information.

Yes this book is a classic but that's because its awesome, its a standard text and you can't really get by without reading it. I have the feeling I will buy this many times over to give as a gift its just that good.

A very well balanced, emotionally mature and informative read. Am going to buy the Topping version for my Dom, sure it will be as good!

Lighthearted tone, but full of good sense and advice. One of the best SM books I know

good book, really helped understand things a little clearer

Great book to help beginners