How We Fight for Our Lives: A Memoir (A Bestselling Memoir)

I love memoirs. And this one was well-written. I believe I read it in one day.I enjoy authors who can express themselves honestly and eloquently without sounding pretentious.This book made me want to write - a clear indication of how good the book was.Highly recommend.

This is a five star book for anyone trying to find themselves and who they are. From page one I was captivated with his words and throughout the read. I visualized each and every scenario as I read them.

Saeed Jones’ memoir details his experience being a black, queer person in the South. The story also centers the complex relationship between Jones and his mother. Reading about their relationship was quite emotional because you could tell they loved each other so much, but they navigated their relationship as if there was always an elephant in the room. This is part of what kept me captivated by this book. I kept hoping that there would eventually be a turning point between them, and they would eventually address all the issues and pain between them and renew their bond. That unfortunately didn’t happen however, and I felt this anguish for Saeed that he may not get the closure he deserved. At the same time however, this exemplifies how life is not guaranteed and if we keep waiting for opportunities to express how we feel, then we may never get the chance.Saeed engages in a lot of self-destructive behavior particularly during his college years. I think this stems from the constant onslaught of feeling like his identity is disposable. Jones was a young adult when the tragic murders of James Byrd Jr, a black man from Texas, and Matthew Shepherd, a gay man from Wisconsin, took place. If the lives of black men and gay men are disposable and are unreasonably cut short, then what does that mean for black queer men? Jones also learned that one of his mother’s closest friends died from AIDS, yet another agent that cuts the lives of gay men, in particular, short. When you come to understand the external and internal struggle to stay alive and live fully, you might feel as though your existence is constantly under attack. Hence the title, “How we fight for our lives”. I think this is what underscored Jones’ self-destructive behavior. If people already believe the stereotypes are true-even though they aren’t- then what’s the point in proving them wrong? If people treat black men’s bodies as aggressive, animalistic, and disposable, then why try to dispel that. As readers we know that this is incredibly dehumanizing and toxic, but to Saeed he was using his body this way as a weapon. For him, engaging in toxic sexual relationships is a defense mechanism. I read another book recently (I think it was Felix Ever After) and it said that sometimes people accept the hurt and pain they think they deserve. We look for validation and affection from people who do not value us and try to hurt us. I think Jones’ accepted these toxic relationship dynamics because maybe he felt he deserved it. It was actually kind of painful to read because no one deserves to be abused or disrespected. I kept hoping that he would eventually realize his worth and start to love himself, but that also takes time.Another poignant theme is that while grief can feel overwhelming and you may want to succumb to it, you are still alive and you still have a life to live. The grief may not ever go away but it will get easier. Also, sharing your grief with someone who understands and empathizes can also be comforting and cathartic. Grief doesn’t need to be bared alone.“How We Fight for Our Lives” is a really poignant title because Jones discusses the mechanisms people use just to survive in this life. People may use toxic relationships to avoid reconciling their inner turmoil and self-loathing. People may put on a façade for others as a defense mechanism to hide who they truly are. People use avoidance to avoid talking about the things that truly upset them. There are many times when Saeed and his mother avoid talking about him being gay because they don’t want to upset the fragile balance they have. These are defense mechanisms used to prevent people from seeing the vulnerable parts of ourselves. If you’re trying to live in a society where your identity is devalued, then not sharing our vulnerability is necessary for survival.I admire Saeed Jones being able to share his vulnerability with us in this book. Hopefully, this means that he’s in a better place now. I found Saeed’s story to be so engaging and I always wanted to know what would happen next even when some parts were painful. I highly recommend this book because it’s a unique and necessary story that should be shared. This book could truly make a difference in someone’s life. It also got me thinking about how I navigate my relationship with my mom. I’m thankful that I can mostly be honest with her but maybe some areas could be improved. Anyway, give this book a read, it’s honest and engaging and you might take something away from it!

Excellent stories

An honest and raw look at what it means to be Black and gay on America, a country where racism and homophobia is still rampant. To be stuck in the crossroads between the two. As a black and gay man myself, I can see the similarities in myself and the author, the beliefs that you have to navigate in order to find the courage to accept yourself when others are ready to tear you down. Or fetishize you. If you’re interested in a memoir that details the struggles of being A black gay man, I would recommend this book as an example.

This is a great memoir. Real, gritty, heartbreaking, uplifting. The reader is carried through it all with such wonderful prose. Only a true poet could capture every emotion so absolutely perfectly. Mandatory coming of age reading.

The book group at The LGBT Center in NYC discussed this book in March 2021.The consensus was that this was an interesting, straightforward (no significant flashbacks), but slightly short memoir. When it came time to vote on the "number of Amazon stars," however, it got a solid 4 star average, rather than the expected 5 stars. Jones is a poet; he won the Lambda Lit gay poetry award in 2014 for his book "Prelude to Bruise" and "How We Fight..." is very poetic. The book opens with a poem and the memoir is almost too literary, too poetic; maybe that's why it got 4 stars. But Jones does a terrific job of describing how he came to grips with becoming his gay, Black self.The memoir is in four sections. The first section, "Growing Up" (my name for the section, not Jones'), begins with a moving story about a friend of his mother's who died of AIDS. His relationship with his grandmother is strained and reminded some of us of the "pray away the gay" scene we read last year in "Speak No Evil" by Uzodinma Iweala.The second section, "Fears and Disappointments," offers stories of Jones' sexual exploration as he grew up, the sense that gaydom was in the air, the furtive sex, and the horrors he saw over and over again of being gay. It also includes his disappointment at not getting to attend NYU. Imagine how different things would have been if he'd come to NYC."Becoming Sexual," which largely takes place in college, includes his eroticizing of rough and anonymous sex (especially with white men, apparently) while avoiding an emotional connection, and his role as an outsider. His hook-ups with "The Botanist" are the epitome of this type of behavior, where his partner does not even have a name. The section ends with a hookup gone very bad, which many of us thought was a turning point.The fourth section, "Mom's Death," is a substantially different feel than the first three. Here he recalls his close-but-distant relationship with his mother, his silences around her, and her silences around him, her sacrifices for him, and how she allowed him to become his own person. This section ends with Jones touring in Europe with an older woman, doing something that he never got to do with his mother.The stories throughout the memoir are episodic; this is an exciting and poetic way to tell a life that Jones exploits to great effect. We discussed his recognition at a drag show that "gay and alone are not synonyms" and how he came out as gay to his mother, without coming out as his true self.This is not your father's coming out story. A few readers thought there might be too much candor, too much sex, but most of us thought that it was all necessary to make his case."How We Fight for our Lives" has a violent title to prepare us for the violence in his story. But this is not new, previously seen in thinly disguised memoirs such as Gore Vidal's "The City and the Pillar" and John Rechy's "City of Night."Jones shows strong confidence in his dealing with sex and it is also reflected in his writing: smart, traumatic, emotional, and both personal and individual but also highly relatable and universal.

This is a FABULOUS read. I couldn’t put it down. Outstanding writing. Outstanding true life story. You will think of this long after the last page has turned.

Didn't like its content. Too much focus on sexual experiences than other experiences in life.

📝«People don’t just happen […] We sacrifice former versions of ourselves. We sacrifice the people who dared to raise us. The “I” it seems doesn’t exist until we are able to say, I’ am no longer yours.»Saeed Jones nos cuenta como ser negro y gay es la combinación perfecta para que te maten en el Sur EEUU. Creciendo en Texas como homosexual tuvo que reprimir todas sus emociones por la sociedad que le rodeaba y la mala relación con su abuela que no era capaz de aceptarlo tal y como era. Por aquel entonces toda la información que Saeed encontraba sobre la homosexualidad estaba relacionado con el VIH y parecía como si las dos cosas fuesen de la mano.Sin ninguna educación sexual, tras la represión sufrida en la infancia y la adolescencia, el autor nos cuenta su despertar sexual y cómo se buscaba a sí mismo teniendo numerosas relaciones sexuales con hombres de todo tipo. La mayoría de ellas dañinas para el escritor que intentaba encontrarse en estas a pesar de que eran, cuanto menos, tumultuosas. Advertencia, es un libro muy explícito en lo que se refiere a las relaciones sexuales con hombres, que están narradas con todo tipo de detalle detalle.El libro acaba con la relación con su madre y con cómo con el paso del tiempo junto con los obstáculos y las lecciones que nos da la vida, uno es capaz de encontrarse a si mismo, a pesar de haber estado perdido durante tantos años.👉Súper consejo: como siempre que es una autobiografía os recomiendo escuchar el audiolibro narrado por el autor

This book contained some fairly graphic and shocking visuals.Movies come with warnings for sexually explicit material, so why didn't this book?I was not prepared, and wish I had not found myself in (carried along in the narrative) some of the scenes I found myself immersed in.In terms of literary merit, it's beautifully written. However, the protagonist does not come to the maturity and insight I hoped he would come to by the end of the book. The author describes rampant and sometimes violent sexual promiscuity, but fails to bring the reader to any insight about himself or his behaviour by the end of the book.Disappointing, content-wise.

I purchased as a gift. The feedback is that it is concise yet powerful, really enlightening and a great read. Looking forward to reading it.