Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Even though I grew up in a violently abusive home in which physical, emotional, and psychological abuse dominated every day, and I thought I knew a good bit about the subject from both personal experience and prior studies, I was profoundly surprised that I learned so much from Bancroft's book. Although not a Christian, the author's non-spiritual perspective nonetheless had clearer vision than many Christians, supposedly with eyes wide open. The author's professional career and lifetime of familiarity with abusers and their victims gives him a rare authority and insight. My theory is that Bancroft's shrewd, laser-like focus might not have been quite as sharp had he been trying to write a book that also captured spiritual realities. The author offers in spades a between-the-eyes, perspicuous, and relentless expose from cover to cover -- every word of which was welcome music for my ears as someone who has wrestled for a lifetime with analyzing, challenging, and overcoming his experiences with abuse. Throughout the reading, in addition to filling in personal gaps, I was able to use the book to help sort out details of the present tense abuse of someone I know well. The two are in process of divorcing and she has turned to me for counsel and understanding of situations that are intensely confusing and painful for her. The book could not have been more timely, and I found detail after detail that perfectly captured the many nuances of the sour relationship and enabled me to present a more accurate, comprehensive, and holistic counseling presence to her. Such is the enormous potential of the book for both Christians and non-Christians. It is one thing to view abusers through victim's eyes; it is quite another to view things through an abuser's eyes. Bancroft literally has seen and heard it all -- or more accurately, seen and heard through it all. Only someone who has been in the trenches with the worst of the worst for the long haul, and who has spent serious time with every type and level of abuser, could write with such explicit alacrity and utter lack of ambiguity. His perceptions have an X-ray quality, and his penetrating apprehension of the abuser's state of mind is irrefutable. One can imagine his clients suffering system shock as he deftly dismantles excuse after excuse, efficiently returning each and every attempt at blame-mongering to its rightful owner (them), and stopping in their tracks the most devious, manipulative attempts to excuse, justify, and minimize patterns and incidents of abuse. At first, I objected to the profanity in the testimonies, including the "f" word, until I thought through the matter further and realized that the worst in the book was by far the lightest I have experienced. From both the abuser's and victim's perspectives, a sanitized book might not have nearly the impact of this one. I thought at first that the author's exclusive focus on male abusers might be lopsided, but in several places he clearly included and acknowledged the more rare female abusers and male victims. Other than this and another minor criticism (not relevant here), I already have been recommending the book to others, including my friend above. In fact, I believe it should be required reading for all those in positions of influence, especially pastors and counselors. This is a highly practical, truth-packed, utterly reliable manual for understanding and helping both abusers and their victims come to terms with the ugly realities of domestic violence. The book offers distilled, spot-on advice at every turn, helping victims find their way out of the tangled web of the abuser's control, and helping abusers face the whole truth about their deep-seated entitlements in relationships and their heavily distorted views of the role and purpose of having a spouse. The author has wonderful, Robin Hood accurate sarcasm that absolutely nails the abusers often incredibly self-absorbed myopia. Nothing is funny, however, with abusers' often-deadly desire to completely control every aspect of another human being. Fully aware of the potential for escalating violence for many victims just to talk about the situation at home, Bancroft never blinks as he urgently confronts, exposes, teaches, and warns about this insidious evil. Not only is he able to see through every layer of abusers' cons, but he comprehensively and systematically unmasks their every move and motive. I found myself cheering the author on with each new page and chapter, so thankful that people exist with this rare insight and wisdom. At the same time, I experienced a wave of nausea, knowing how many countless abusers will never seek or be forced into treatment -- and what that will mean for their countless victims, many of whom are so thoroughly conned and wound into the abuser's web of control, that they likely will suffer interminably on a daily basis, possibly for the rest of their lives. This is a must read for anyone in any way involved in the life of even a single victim or abuser. The final chapters especially spoke to me. The following says it all: "Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can't eradicate it by lopping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man's attitudes and beliefs regarding partner relationships" (366). Another statement brings back my own childhood: "Partner abuse is a cyclone that leaves a swath of destruction behind it as it rips through the lives of women and children" (367). Bancroft sums his own work with a directive to abusers, for which I add a hearty amen to each volume-speaking point, which should be broadcast from rooftops: "Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve" (376).

I purchased the book and I am also listening to the audio book. I am a survivor of Domestic Violence who left in such a confused state it was challenging to know what was up or down. It is invaluable how Lundy lists off many common threads backed up by his previous clients as well as lists out the warning signs of abusers. These warning signs include: A man that has a violent background (Many abusive men hide this until after the woman is locked in through marriage or a child - this was true for my story), Degradijg or belittling talk towards women in general, Entitlement or Superiority in life overall and Controlling nature among a few others listed off. This helped me feel safer in trusting my instincts to date again, as I was uncertain and fearful to choose another man with these off center values, to put it lightly. He also goes into how common it is for men to dismiss, deny or even flip around abuse. Even thought the man that abused me often blocked the doorway, confined me and my pets, took away my purse with keys, punched holes in the walls, grabbed and dragged me and my pets alike, he told me with such convincing words that he was doing nothing wrong. I believe it becomes confusing when in this if you love the person doing it to you. If you have low self worth, your primary instinct is to do nothing and believe them, which was true for my story. I did not fully know until therapy and this book how incredibly dangerous my former husband was. I was in denial and just trust and loved him so much, I was certain he was not doing anything that bad. I found out later on, after leaving, that I had a form of Stockholms syndrome, which many women in this scenario experience. Think Belle in Beauty and the Beast. I often stopped reading and felt as if he must have had an inside view into what happened to me personally. He puts it into a voice that helps survivors feel less silenced, but empowered again. His care for women is evident throughout the book. I believe the case studies of the women and their commonalities helped me the most. It has helped me more than 3 years of therapy, coaching and reading after leaving has. It made me see that it is a fruitless cause to think men like this can change without intense psychological treatment and even then it is rare. Anyone placed in the position of abused woman would have experienced the same exact treatment and thing. I am so thankful that he wrote this book and it has melted my pain and shame away into complete clarity. At the end of the day, I allowed him to keep doing this to me. I enabled it for much too long. I wish someone would have taught me this knowledge as a little girl or young woman to know what to do if I experience this. I hope we can change this and get this information out to the youth more to help them prepare for a future where they know how to handle it and not be fooled like I was. I wish all women knew the truth in this book to avoid the pain and ptsd to overcome once experiencing this. The entitlement portion the abuser usually present is very important. I thought my situation was an anomaly, but Lundy states that men often become more abusive the more outside or wordly success they achieve. When his business took off, so did the abuse. This book breaks through all false myths surrounding this topic. If you or any woman you know is or has been a victim of domestic violence, please consider this book. After leaving, I started working at DV shelter to help women get out of these situations and uplift them again. I hope to be in the process of getting approval to hand out this book to any DV survivor who would like it there.

As an overcomer of abuse of all types from different points in my life, I was not surprised to read a lot of what Lundy Bancroft wrote as much of it is very familiar to me, although, it is quite validating to hear from others (especially doctors, counselors, and other experts on the topic) that they are seeing similar tricks from men and calling out their poor behavior. I love that the writing is very clear and direct, with plenty of examples (both personal and those of others he has worked with) for comparison and learning. The book ultimately went where I thought it would go - to the points that (1) abusive behavior basically stems from a mindset of entitlement and the view that one is above others in some capacity, and (2) that while long-term change is possible, it is rare and unlikely due to multiple factors. I appreciate such an honest, insightful, educational book and highly recommend it, especially if your intuition (or something else) is telling you to learn more so you can break free and start healing <3

This was a really painful book for me to read and this is going to be a really painful review to write. I once had an employer who fit the emotionally abusive criteria in this book. When he first hired me, he treated me very well. He praised my abilities often. He gave me credit for increased business. He sent me to training and paid for it. He gave me the second best office in the building after his. I thought I had the best boss ever – so much better than all the ones I’d had before. I worked really hard for this boss, and it was my pleasure. It’s nice to have my hard work acknowledged and appreciated! After a few very happy years, I started noticing that he seemed to be undermining my projects and encouraging other employees to keep information from me that would help me do my job. It didn’t seem to matter if clients were being harmed in the process. No boss would do that, would he? I was just being paranoid, wasn’t I? He started discouraging me from learning new things. He started telling me I didn’t have the ability to learn what I wanted to learn. Then one day he insulted me in front of other employees, then tried to talk me into quitting. When I wouldn’t agree to quit without finding a new job first, he fired me. Then he asked if we could still be friends! This behavior was unlike any I’d ever experienced before, and I found it baffling. I didn’t enjoy the process, but I got over it pretty quickly because I found a better paying job with an even better boss within 18 hours. I’d noticed this boss lying to other people in the past – I just need to be more skeptical about people who lie, right? If I ever meet someone like this again I’ll be able to recognize it, won’t I? During the summer before last, I started dating a guy. I was really impressed by how he treated me. He opened doors for me. He made baked goods for me. He showed me lots of affection. He seemed interested in what I said and when I did nice things for him he expressed appreciation. It was wonderful to finally be in a relationship where I was treated well – so much better than all the others. I met his friends and family. Nobody warned me to watch out. For months he talked often of our future life together. We discussed where we’d like to have a wedding, what kind of reception, where we’d live, whether to get a trailer so we could haul two kayaks. I’d never caught him in a lie about his background or work or anything like that. I’d never seen him lie to anyone else – I thought he was an honest guy. When he said he loved me I believed him. For several months he had also been suggesting there might be something wrong with me, like ADD. I thought he was trying to help me. Several times he expressed doubt about my ability to manage money even though I have no debt and he has quite a bit. He seemed less interested in my activities and interests but he still feigned enough to satisfy me. One night this past summer he talked about where to go on a honeymoon and the very next day, he told me he’d been thinking about breaking up with me for months. Why? Because he was angry that I had a garden and rented an art studio, plus I didn’t make enough money to suit him. He tried to talk me into breaking up with him but when I wouldn’t he did it a few days later. He said he still wanted to be friends later! Well, here I was taken in by the same kind of emotionally abusive person again, going through the exact same stages again, only this time it was much more hurtful because I had really loved him and was changing my plans for my life to include him in it. I thought I was safe with him but he wanted to hurt me for having interests and accomplishments. What is wrong with me that I am vulnerable to this kind of abuse? How can I avoid getting sucked in again? I read this book hoping to get answers, and I learned a lot. There are certain subtle warning signs that I will pay more attention to next time, although I’m not sure how early one can detect abuse if the person is really good at hiding it. My ex-boyfriend is a very good actor and he had apparently read up on what signs to try to hide – he seemed to cover his tracks ahead of time on so many of the characteristics I should have been looking for. According to the author they do try to hide these things until they are sure you really love them and won’t let go so easily. There are guidelines to tell whether an abuser is a good candidate for change and how to tell if they are changing. I realize I’m lucky I got dumped because the vast majority do not change. Some of them dump you as a punishment for not agreeing with them on everything. How do you know if you’ve been abused? This book will help you figure that out. Lying to someone for months is abuse, for example. There are chapters in the book that address when the relationship goes further than ours did – what to do when you’re financially dependent, if there are kids, if you fear it’s not safe to get out, if it escalates to physical violence. It was helpful to read about some of the things I’ve been spared. My emotionally abusive boss had been taken into custody for physically assaulting his wife, I found out later from public records, so the pattern described in the book sure does fit. It’s reassuring to read that my abusers wanted me to think there is something wrong with me so I’d be easier to control but they may have attacked me precisely because there is a lot RIGHT with me and it feeds their ego to hurt me because I am so accomplished. Their incomprehensible behavior now makes sense – making you feel great in the beginning is a tactic called “Love Bombing”. Trying to confuse you or make you doubt yourself is called “Gaslighting”. Learn about lots more tactics in here. This book was hard for me to read and digest, but there are things in here that everyone needs to know. I felt better just reading the reviews so I knew this would be a good book for me to read. Abuse isn’t just a problem that makes women suffer – my male co-worker was a victim of a brutal crime last week. What is the difference between violent crime and abuse? Both involve someone thinking that they are entitled to cause others’ suffering to meet their own selfish needs. Read this to arm yourself against abuse.

Words like "domestic violence" sprinkled all over this Amazon page (editorial review, keywords) might make you think this book is only written for victims of physical violence. You might think "maybe this book is not for me, he is not THAT bad." No. This book is primarily about recognizing patterns of emotional abuse and how to respond to them. If you think you are being emotionally abused - by your spouse, by your supervisor or boss, by anyone who has power over you - consider reading this book. This book is NOT just about physical abuse. Quite the opposite, the author says it focuses on emotional abuse. After Bancroft describes the ten types of abusers, he does single out two (the drill sergeant and the terrorist) as especially likely to become dangerous: "I have focused on the emotionally abusive styles of these different kinds of abusers, any of them may also use physical violence, including sexual assault. Although the Terrorist and Drill Sergeant are especially likely to become dangerous, they are not the only ones who may do so." However emotional abuse can still be severely damaging, whether or not he is also physically abusive. The key to whether this book is for you is not whether he is physically violent, the key is: does he fit these characteristics of an angry and controlling abuser? If he (or she) does, read this book. #1 He is controlling #2 He feels entitled #3 He twists things into their opposites (makes it sound you like you are abusing him) #4 He disprespects his partner and considers himself superior to her #5 He confuses love and abuse ("I was sick of watching her ruining her life. I care too much about her to sit back and do nothing about it") #6 He is manipulative #7 He strives to have a good public image #8 He feels justified ("she pushed me too far, she knows how to push my buttons, there's only so much a man can take") #9 Abusers deny and minimize their abuse #10 Abusers are possessive ("why is he so insanely jealous?") This book can be very helpful in a lot of situations that are not domestic abuse too. Due to a change in management I ended up with a controlling and manipulative boss. I read a couple other books on manipulative persons and verbal abuse, however in some ways this book - supposedly focused only on domestic abuse of women - went much deeper and did a far better of describing my boss's behavior and thinking than the more "general" books on verbal abuse and manipulation. I only discovered this book because I saw it on the bookshelf of someone who volunteered at a domestic abuse shelter. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense was also practical and useful, however it was Bancroft's book that convinced me there was no changing this guy and no middle ground, that the longer anyone stayed around the more he would savagely sabotage people's reputations to keep them from finding jobs elsewhere and escaping him. This book helped me understand his tactics and defend myself (and my career) while I looked for another job and made my plan to leave. As a single person, this book could be very helpful to read BEFORE you end up in a potentially abusive situation. Bancroft has a whole chapter on how abuse begins. Far too often single women assume that the man who acts most jealous and pays them the most attention is also the one who loves them most strongly and cares for them most. Bancroft sounds a vital warning here that real love has to include respect. A person who genuinely loves you wants what is best for you and supports your self-esteem and independence. Hey, no one pays more attention to you, has stronger feelings for you, and is more jealous of you than an angry and controlling abuser. But a strong desire to possess and control you like an object isn't love. Bancroft gives many of the early warning signs to look for: the abuser has double standards, he speaks disrespectfully about his former partners, he is disrespectful toward you, he puts on such a show of generousity that he makes you feel uncomfortable and does favors you don't want (so you will feel you owe him), he is controlling and possessive, nothing is ever his fault, he intimidates you when he's angry, he treats you differently (better) around other people, he appears to be attracted to vulnerability. He writes that the central and key personality trait of an angry and controlling abuser is a sense of entitlement. An abuser is neither a monster or a victim - the core problem with any type of abuser is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong (p. 35). "Abuse grows from atittudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control." I believe the author is right when he says most physically abusive partners are men. However there are plenty of emotionally-abusive women out there too. After reading this book I was able to almost instantly recognize the key patterns of angry and abusive partners in a bizarre woman who took an instant strong interest on me, a woman who went on to behave like a stalker in her attempts to follow me around to get me to ask for her number and ask her out, and try to drive away "competition." The key to stopping her was to recognize her tactics AND be able to calmly and clearly describe them to others so they could clearly see what she was really doing. When I did this, she just as suddenly dropped out of sight, even resigning an officer's position in one of the many groups she joined in her attempts to follow me around. There is not just one type of abuser. Based on his seventeen years working with abusers and victims, Bancroft lists ten types of abusive men and while some of them are very obviously abusers, other types can be very insidious and subtle: 1. The Demand Man - It's your job to do things for me. If I'm unhappy it's your fault. 2. Mr. Right - I know better than you do, when you disagree with me that is mistreatment of me. 3. The Water Torturer - I know how to get under your skin, you are crazy and fly off the handle, as long as I'm calm nothing I do is abuse no matter how cruel 4. The Drill Sergeant - I need to control your every move or you'll do it wrong, he criticizes your every move, you shouldn't have anyone else in your life but me, I will watch you like a hawk to keep your from developing strength or independence, I love you but you disgust me (!!) 5. Mr. Sensitive - I'm against "macho men" so I couldn't be abusive, I control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, I can get inside your head, I use psychobabble such that no one will believe I am abusing you, you should be grateful I'm not like those "macho men." 6. The Player - if you could meet my sexual needs I wouldn't have to turn to other women, women were put on this earth to have sex with men, women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are b****es 7. Rambo - strength and aggressiveness are good, femininity is inferior, women are here to serve men and be protected by them, you belong to me like a trophy. 8. The Victim - everybody has done me wrong, I've had it so hard I'm not responsible for my actions, it's justifiable for me to do whatever I feel you are doing to me and even worse to make sure you get the message, women who claim they are mistreated are anti-male 9. The Terrorist - I would rather die than accept your right to independence, women are evil and have to be terrified to keep that evil in check, seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying, you have no right to defy me or leave me 10. The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser - I'm not abusive - I'm just (alcoholic/drug-addicted/manic depressive, etc.), I am not responsible for my actions because of psychological or abuse problems, if you challenge me about abusiveness you are being mean to me and don't understand my problems, when you challenge me it triggers my illness and you are responsible for what I do Still not sure if this book is for you? Bancroft answers questions like "when is it abuse?" Is there a distinct line that I can keep my eye on so I know when he has crossed it? Since nobody's perfect, how do I know the difference between a bad day when he's just being a jerk and a pattern that adds up to something more certain. Remember, this book is not just for victims of domestic violence. If you think you might be emotionally abused, read this book.

I bought this book in the midst of ending a two year relationship. This relationship was indeed emotionally and physically abusive. "Why Does He Do That?" came at a time when I really needed to understand what was going on. I would have to say that while it was informative, and validating, it was missing one strong point. The victim's own accountability. While it encourages the victim to leave the abusive situation, while giving affirmation that the abuse is not your fault, it does not encourage the freeing thought process of choice. From a standpoint of "victim" all choices are given away, it is one way that we abuse ourselves. Keeping ourselves in the cycle of abuse. My lover was abusive. I was also abusive. My abuse was not as loud as hers. My abuse was not punishable by law like hers was. So here we are, two months after a restraining order, and jail time- She has no license, no job, and a criminal record. Don't get me wrong, I am not excusing her behavior. I am not taking accountability for her actions. But I need to take accountability for mine. I stayed- Even after the first "attack"- I chose to stay. I stayed after the second "attack"- I chose to stay. Had I left, after the first time, neither of us would be where we are today. It isn't about regret, or blame, or shame, it is about choices. My lover chose to abuse, and I chose to stay.- It is freeing to look within ourselves instead of pointing fingers. Ask the question, why do I stay? Not why does he do that? Marianne Williamson says we do things from either a place of love, or a place of fear. When we react out of fear, no good will come of it. When we react out of love, we can do no wrong. Staying in an abusive relationship, is always coming from a place of fear. Identify the fear, call yourself out on it. It isn't about fear of safety, don't fool yourself. It's about fear of abandonment, a fear of failure... You can't love them enough to get them to change, but you can love yourself enough to make the changes you need to make. And if you love them, let them go. Staying will only hurt the both of you more, in unimaginable ways.

I read Why Does He Do That over the course of the six days my husband spent in jail on domestic violence charges. When I first started reading I was completely devastated, but as I made my way through the chapters my sadness was replaced by a level of anger sufficient to finally confront him when he got out. Lundy Bancroft's breakdown of what makes abusive men tick was so eerily accurate that it was like he had written a case study specifically about what was going on in my house. Dead-on descriptions of every single one of my husband's abusive behaviors were in the book, along with simple and obvious explanations for each behavior that I had not previously considered. What I had been thinking of as a drunken, out-of-control anger issue in reality was anything but. As Bancroft explained in very easy to understand terms with examples anyone in need of the book can relate to, abusive men are in complete control of their behavior. They are fully capable of controlling themselves, but they don't see any reason to control themselves with you. At least not when anyone else is within earshot. I know it's a cliché, but reading this book really was like flipping a switch and having a bright light suddenly pop on in my previously dim head. My husband was abusing me because it terrified me into becoming a Stepford Wife. As long as he kept me scared, he had a wife who never nagged, never talked back, and never refused him anything, not to mention the extra added benefit that he also did not have to help with the children or the housework. Who is going to ask their husband to lift a finger if they are going to have to pay for it in some awful way? Not me, and my husband knew this, but unfortunately I had to have Lundy Bancroft explain it to me before I got the sick joke. Every woman should read this book. Even if you've never been in an abusive relationship, one in three women in the US will be the victim of domestic violence at some point in her life, and there is a good chance one of those women will be a friend or family member. Bancroft details many ways people can help support abused women, and he also explains why friends and family often turn on the abused woman instead of on her abuser. This could potentially be a real eye-opener if you are one of those people making excuses for an abusive man yourself. The secondary wounding of having my husband's family reject me when I desperately needed their support was nearly as painful as the abuse itself. I was very relieved to see the issue addressed and to learn that it's common and I am not alone in that experience. Of particular use to me was the "is he really changing" checklist at the end of the book. When my husband later claimed to be a changed man, I was able to use the list to quickly snap myself out of any delusions I harbored that what he was saying might be true. I used what I read in the list to attempt to have a conversation with my husband about considering my feelings to see if he understood that I had any. Without exception, every single one of his responses was about himself. When I tried to steer the conversation back to my feelings, he became enraged and said, "You you you!" He couldn't even consider my feelings during a conversation about considering my feelings. It was absolutely surreal. If I had not read Why Does He Do That, I would not have known what to look for and which questions to ask, and there's a good chance I might still be in denial right along with him.

I can't say enough about this book. It saved my sanity, and turned on lights in my head about what was going on with my fiancee that made me desperately confused and miserable but that I couldn't quite grasp. As Bancroft explains, this is largely because the abuser makes you question everything you think, feel, say or perceive. And the abuse nearly always, takes place in private, rarely if at all in front of others. I found "Why does he do that?" by accident while searching Amazon for another on abusive relationships, Patricia Evan's The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which a friend who had left an abusive marriage recommended to me. Evan's book is good, Bancroft's is great and even more authoritative for two reasons: 1) he has worked with abusive men, not as part of couples therapy, for years; 2) he is male, and most other books on abuse are written by women. This is important, because few people, including therapists, understand emotional and psychological abuse, and like I did before having it happen to me, tend to think claiming "abuse" may be exaggerated because it's a woman's gender perspective. The book is strong stuff, though. It blows away many myths about abuse, such as abuse is caused by an abusive childhood. It is not. And that couples therapy, where the abuser and partner take 50/50 ownership of the problem, is good and helpful. Absolutely wrong. These and other myth-busters are based on solid research and data. If you've been in an abusive relationship without really seeing or understanding the dynamics, it's shocking to learn the abuser's motives, consciousness of what he is doing while denying everything, and determination to win at your expense. The profiles of the types of abusers and their range of tactics are extremely helpful. I was bowled over to see my fiancee described perfectly in the Water Torturer and Mr. Sensitive. I learned that the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behavior that I was living with and baffled by is typical. Around you he's abusive; in public he's delightful so no one can even imagine him being anything but the nicest, most charming person. The saying is, "the truth shall set you free," and this book is the most truthful, accurate information you can find. Knowing what's actually been going on does set you free. But it's also sad and painful. It's especially freeing, and sad, to learn that only a very small percentage of abusers change, even after going through a high quality, special program. There's just too big a payoff for them to stay the way they are. They easily move on to a new relationship with a woman who will take years figuring out what's happening to her. I had just left my 11-year relationship when I found this book. A year before I left, I'd contacted his ex-wife of 20 years to see if she could shed some light on what was happening to me. She said she'd left the marriage for exactly the things that I was experiencing. Even then, abuse is such a loaded word, I didn't think I was truly being abused. Now, though, I know. Wish I'd had this book in hand earlier. But even after-the-fact, there is so much processing and healing from the experience that this has been a life-saver.

One of the finest books on domestic abuse WRITTEN BY MALE FOR FEMALE. This will help you MUCH MORE than talking to relatives/family members... Incase you want to resolve your married/relationship problems especially if it involves children. This is best book to look out for if you are undergoing divorce/custody of children or simply wonder if you are in abusive husband/boy friend. Though this book might look bit costly it's every bit cheaper considering the trauma & expenses you go through to figure out your suitation. Buy it. PS: This is even good for girls who are planning to get married soon and if they come from family which is almost always at cold war/nuke war. It will help you to know if the partner you have choose is worth YOUR life or not. Along this book I recommend the following books if you thoroughly want to live a life without unnecessary drama: 1) Co-dependent No More 2) Women Who love too much 3) Adult children of emotionally immature parents 4) Will I be good enough 5) Toxic parents 6) Controlling people This book is even worth reading for MEN if they want to be a better husband/son/father/brother/guardian. As they say "Make your own luck". Good luck.

Why don’t we enlighten ourselves?

I have recently got out of a damaging relationship which I now can clearly see was abusive. My ex was incredibly clever at psychologically manipulating me to believe that I was the problem and he tried really hard to convince me that his treatment was my fault - including all sorts of different tactics. He was like two entirely different people - one minute he could be the most loving, wonderful, amazing boyfriend whom I genuinely believed adored me... then with no warning he would suddenly change into a monster who frightened, confused and intimidated me. I was tiptoeing on eggshells around him trying to predict and avoid saying or doing anything that might set him off. Other times it felt like we were passionately in love and we would talk about the wonderful things we would do together in the future. It was incredibly confusing. I didn't know which one was the real him. His demeanour could change in an instant. I was so lucky that I happened to meet a lady who works for Women's Aid and she encouraged me to take his behaviour seriously and seek help. In the 3 weeks since breaking up with him, I have been tempted to get back in contact with him so many times and I have to fight to stay strong and not give in to that urge. It is almost a craving, like breaking an addiction. What I've learned is that I was caught in a trap of 'trauma bonding' which essentially explains why abused women go back to their abusive partners telling themselves he will change. You become emotionally dependent on the one who flies into a rage and terrifies you one minute, then makes you believe it was all your fault and makes YOU feel guilty so you end up being the one to apologise (for something you haven't done), to calm him down and because you are so upset and emotionally raw you cling to him because he's the one you have become emotionally dependent on. You are addicted to the good feelings of when he chooses to be loving and kind to you. Unfortunately, over time, you have to work harder and harder to try to win back that love and affection which he once showered you with. Once he has worn you down he starts to punish you more and more often, making you feel more and more insecure but, crazily you feel like you couldn't cope without him. I know it sounds messed up but there is real science behind how this happens. It is very similar to Stockholm Syndrome in which hostages become attached to their captors. This book has helped me and is continuing to help me to stay strong every day. When I have weak moments of missing my ex, I turn back to this book. I know eventually I will build myself back up and become strong again and that over time the urge to go back to this man will lessen. Although I have done many, many hours of my own research and already consider myself well informed, this book has lifted a veil and shown me SO much more than I could ever have discovered for myself online. Reading it is like a string of massive 'Aha' moments when all the different jigsaw pieces finally fit together and you finally start to see the overall picture. This book has been a total revelation to me. Don't be put off by the size of this book - it is very easily readable and the information is presented in a very clear and easy to follow format. It also works well as a book to just dip in and out of as there are gems on every page! It has been a real shock to me as it has gradually dawned on me that the man I believed truly adored me and only wanted to make me happy (as he claimed over and over), and who treated me like a princess in the beginning, was perhaps not the man I thought he was. I made excuses for his behaviour as I believed he was the one suffering and traumatised as a result of having experienced the traumatic, violent childhood he described to me. I did everything I could to always give him the benefit of the doubt, to try to rationalise and understand why he acted the way he did, and I tried so hard to make the relationship work as if it were my job and my job alone. I stuck with him for as long as I did because I thought that was what you do when you love someone and I believed that in time he would get better. In fact he never took any responsibility for his behaviour and the effect it had on me as he was never interested in listening to me - he was only interested in forcing me to listen to him over and over whilst whenever I tried to speak he shut me down. Had I not found this book I don't know whether I would have had the strength not to go back to him and allow the cycle of abuse to go on and get worse. Perhaps I might have fallen back into the trap of listening to the manipulative and clever lies he fed me and coming round to believing his story and invalidating my own. Unfortunately women such as myself make the easiest targets; we are typically very sensitive to others' needs, extremely compassionate, caring, usually we seek to understand the motivation behind another's behaviour instead of to judge and we tend to give others the benefit of the doubt over and above honouring our own needs. We also have a tendency to doubt ourselves and we frequently have low self-esteem which can be born out of having had to try to please our primary caregivers as children to try to win their approval and love and never having experienced enough love and affection as children. Unfortunately, getting into a relationship with a man who turns out to be an abuser lowers our self-belief and self-esteem further, making it harder and harder to get out. I advise anyone and everyone to read this book - men and women alike. I am impressed by how the author never slips into the pitfall of demonising abusive men or implying that they are bad or evil people - which would be an easy thing to do. He points out that while of course they are human too, that doesn't mean that are ever *any* excuses for their behaviour. He reveals how men who fall into this category are very seldom willing to take responsibility for their behaviour and its terribly damaging effect on those who fall victim to it, instead they make excuses and usually choose to blame the other person. I feel the most enlightening part of all is that he reveals that deep down, the causal factor behind most of this abuse is the culture some men have grown up in: a culture of masculine entitlement and belittling of women. They think they are entitled to have *their* needs met by women, to the point of almost objectifying them, and not to consider her needs or feelings. Some of them are even devoid of empathy. But they are not born that way. Overall it's these deeply ingrained cultural attitudes that need to change - and each of us has an important role to play in doing something about it.

A lire absolument pour comprendre la mécanique des violences. A must read for every woman to recognise ize and set free of the pattern of abuse.

Lo compré hace mucho, pero nunca habia dejado la opinión. Tengo que decir que habla de casos super reales, de personas narcisistas y que son muy egoistas. La verdad que da ejemplos muy ilustrativos sobre como actuar cuando te encuentras ese tipo de casos con ese tipo de personas. A mi me describió completamente la última relación que tuve con un chico, y me abrió los ojos y a parte también me sentí identificada con un familiar muy cercano que tengo igual y he vivido momentos muy duros. Por lo que si estás en una mala relación, con personas narcisistas y egoistas te recomiendo leerlo porque te vas a sentir identificado. DIgo personas porque pienso que también hay mujeres así.