Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy

Not every person has suffered trauma or devastation in their lives. For those who have not, it’s not over yet, and this is a not so gentle world we are living in. Not a wish for misfortune, just a heads up to not be surprised if it happens to you. You will see the world in a different way. I can tell you that. This book is about grief, pain, adversity, and suffering. It is told as a true story narrative of Sheryl Sandberg’s loss of her husband, the father of her children. The co-author, Adam Grant is one of many people who encourage her along the way as she processes the grief of her loss. His advice and counseling is throughout the book. In the first pages she writes of how she met her husband, and of the magic of their relationship and their family. Then she describes finding him collapsed at a gym while they were on vacation in Mexico. He dies shortly thereafter. That sets the stage for what will follow. You are taken through her journey through the pain of telling her children their father is dead, and of countless moments in her day to day life that presented a new challenge. Littered throughout the book are pieces of advice and insights from people in her life, and also brief descriptions of relevant scientific research about how people grieve and recover from trauma. The book has an overall uplifting tone, and a sense of possibility and optimism about the prospects life offers after a tragic loss. This book is not for everyone. Some people have had fortunate circumstances for their entire lives. If you think you’ve got it hard because you started out in life with only “a small loan of a million dollars”, not much here will resonate. But if you’re a survivor of child abuse, terrorist attacks, domestic violence, or if you lost someone you love, or if you’ve been devastated and destroyed in some other way, I recommend this. I felt a genuine connection to the author’s story and it was enlightening and therapeutic. The book’s name “Option B” is meant to mean the option we didn’t plan for. Option A was to not have your father die while you were young, or have your children’s father or mother die, or be abused by priests, or have drug addiction pour devastation all over your life, or get date raped by that person you so believed in. Since Option A isn’t possible for some of us, and we will never get to go back in time to change it, we have to make the most of Option B. In this author’s case, Option B was to go on living and make the most of life without her husband. For you Option B may be different, but there are common threads to how we react to grief or trauma. I got my $16 out of this book, and then some, and I hope you do to.

I had to read this book for an HR class. After reading this book, I feel as if the stories brought out in this book can help others through hard times. The way the book is written is easy to read and I think really makes the reader think about life and how to handle tough situations. The Author's story is humbling as she was thrust into a tough position. She had many hard decisions that needed to be made. Instead of just letting life go by, she was strong and made something out of the tragedy. Great book and I would recommend others read it. Even an HR professional could recommend this book to employees as it really is very good at potential situations and dealing with these situations.

Given that I highlighted a passage in almost every other chapter in Sheryl Sandberg’s OPTION B: FACING ADVERSITY, BUILDING RESILIENCE, AND FINDING JOY, you could say that I felt connected to her and pretty much everything that she had to say. While I haven’t lost a spouse and certainly my life was not upended like hers was, I unfortunately know grief, and it has impacted me in ways that I didn’t see coming and had a hard time coping with it. There are two major points in the book that Sandberg addressed that I felt especially comforted by. By comfort, I mean validated. But first, I want to say to those who might think that you have to be suffering from the grief of losing a spouse to want to read this book or to gain any insight from it, it’s not the case. Not only is this book not exclusive to this particular group or to those grieving or those having grieved in the past for anyone, whether a parent, sibling, or close friend, it is for anyone who has suffered a tragedy such as a trauma, disease, divorce, or other life change that has altered their existence. Together with a friend, who is a psychologist, Adam Grant, who helped Sandberg after her husband died, they co-wrote about feelings that you experience, how to ask for what you need from family and friends, how to resume life as you know it in a new world as life as it is now, along with sharing numerous cases of those who have suffered the loss of a loved one, as well as those who have endured terrible tragedies of other kinds. Sandberg, naturally writes about how challenging it was just to come to terms with the sudden loss of her husband and how she was going to explain the news to her young children. How they were going to get through the funeral, how would she, this strong woman who wrote about co-parenting and working in this modern world, do the same as a single parent, how she would face her colleagues at work, when was the right time to go back to work. So many unknowns. Her new world was so unfamiliar. The things that struck me were her feelings about how isolated she felt. She has a big extended family, including her husband’s. Many friends. Many work friends. Yet, she felt alone. People were scared to talk to her. Or if they asked how she was doing, they didn’t want to hear that she was not ok. It was ‘depressing.’ Asking how are you doing, is not really inquiring about the person on a personal level. You know they are not ok. Try to phrase it to the here and now. How did you get through today? Many people offer to do something but not many just do it. When you lose a loved one, she writes, and this is so true, don’t say “What can I do for you?” Just do something. Leave food for the person’s family so they don’t have to think about cooking, send some beautiful flowers, bring an uplifting book, take their kids out if they are up for it, so that your friend can rest, anything even taking on the most mundane task, just something that shows you care, that they didn’t have to ask for. Sandberg talks about a friend of a friend who lost a loved one and a friend showed up every day in the lobby of his building and asked what he didn’t want on his burger. He wasn’t imposing, wasn’t asking to see his friend, just let him know that he was bringing him lunch. In the past, before I experienced grief first-hand, I am sure that I was guilty of asking the too general “how are you?” and “what can I do for you?” without ill intentions, but because I didn’t know what to do. Sandberg is well aware that most people do not act to hurt you. As she says, “they’re not piling it on,” but that is how it feels. I do know that when I did offer simple acts of kindness, it went a long way, and vice versa. I can remember a time when a dear friend’s father passed away and friends and family gathered at their house. I asked what her father’s favorite dessert was. Blueberry pie. I promptly baked one and brought it over. Her mother told me numerous times over the years how comforting that was to her. The same has been done for me after losing my mother. A friend knew that there was a cookie recipe in my mom’s cookbook that was a cookie ‘made with love’ and she sent home a batch in my son’s backpack the week after her funeral. I was so touched and comforted at the same time. I will never forget that gesture of kindness. Another friend, would send me a note every week, just to tell me that she was thinking of me. Having endured much heartache, herself, she knew that once the period of Shiva is over, people don’t often check on you. She continued to check on me and this made me feel not only loved but as if she were hugging me. The day after my father died, I received a text from a good friend, who lives in the city where I do, and offered to come to Chicago, where my father lived. I will never forget how deeply this touched me. To know that a friend would do this for me, without my asking. Just as two of my closest, oldest friends did exactly that, flew across the country to be by my side when my mother passed away, will forever be fixed in my memory and in how I managed the initial shock. This is one way in which we are able to ‘build resilience’. Sandberg shares many of her own stories about how she ‘faced adversity,’ what people have done for her, such as her mother staying at her house for a month, and when she couldn’t be there, her sister-in-law took over. How her boss, yes, Jeff Zuckerberg, and his wife, invited her family to spend time with them on vacation so that they could just get away. When it was time to clean out her husband Dave’s closet, his own mother came to help her. If you or a friend is in need of a relatable book that can show you that you are not alone, that does not tell you what to do but shows you what others have experienced, and that while some pain never goes away, healing can come.

I'm not finished but I wanted to chime in right away. I'm a Licensed Professional Counselor, part-time teacher at Colorado Christian University, and published author. I live in the Columbine neighborhood and worked with police and firefighters at Ground Zero so healing from trauma is of huge interest to me. I've spent the last four years researching and writing about the powerful topic of Posttraumatic Growth. (I wish I could tell you the title of my book but it remains in the hands of agents and publishers. I hope it gets to be born someday.) In the meantime I want to shout hurray and yeehaw on almost every single page of this book. The smashing point of this book: All people can heal, and some people are even launched to a more meaningful place after experiencing trauma; clinical research shows how. Growth is actually more common than the much better known and far better studied posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The challenge is to see the opportunity presented by seismic events. After trauma, people need hope. In the aftermath of the tragedy, people need to know there is something better. Following a traumatic experience, most people experience a range of problems: Trouble sleeping, nightmares, agitation, flashbacks, emotional numbness, avoiding reminders of the traumatic event, anxiety, anger, guilt, hyper-vigilance, depression, isolation, suicidal tendencies, etc. Until recently the entire discussion of the human response to trauma ended with a summation of the hardships incurred by trauma. But as it turns out, a traumatic event is not simply a hardship to be overcome. Instead, it is transformative. Trauma survivors and their family and friends need to know there is another side to trauma. Strange as it may sound, half of all sufferers emerge from the trauma stronger, more focused, and with a new perspective on their future. In numerous studies, about half of all trauma survivors report positive changes as a result of their experience. Sometimes the changes are small (life has more meaning, or the survivor feels closer to loved ones) and other times they are massive, sending people on new career paths. The worst things that happen to us might put us on a path to the best things that will ever happen to us. A brush with trauma often pushes trauma survivors to face their own mortality and to find a more meaningful and fulfilling understanding of who they are and how they want to live. To be clear, growth does not undo loss, and it does not eliminate adversity. Posttraumatic growth is not the same as an increase in well-being or a decrease in distress. And even for those who do experience growth, suffering is not mitigated in the aftermath of tragedy. Growth may make the pain meaningful and bearable, but it does not deny the hurt. For decades, nearly all the psychological research into trauma and recovery has focused on the debilitating problems that people face, but Option B speaks of the paths people can take to heal from their experiences and discover new meaning in their lives. Just this morning a blog reader wrote to me and said she feels stuck because of her father's suicide many years ago. The first thing I did was tell her about your book. I have been, and will be, recommending this book to friends and clients. Thank you Sheryl and Adam.

No doubt, "Option B" is a good book. The question is, what to do with it? Using a popular saying from my home country Austria, the book's main problem is that it is “neither fish nor meat.” The fact that this bestseller has only 37 reviews 6 days after publication leads me to believe that others feel about the book the same way. Clearly, the most impactful parts of the book are the ones that tell Sheryl Sandberg's personal experiences. Americans are used to celebrities going into hiding when their families are struck by catastrophes; Mrs. Sandberg's speaking out is a refreshing and much needed change. Still, in reality, she doesn't tell us anything new. All of us know that there is no Option A; and, somewhere in the back of our minds we know that we can and should "kick the sh*t out of Option B." In their book Sandberg and Prof. Grant offer a variety of coping mechanisms, how to deal with tragedy. And, though they are all good, they are presented in an unorganized way; they also seem to touch much too lightly on real problems real people experience. Sandberg writes, "... Tragedy does more than rip away our present; it also tears apart our hopes for our future. Accidents shatter people’s dreams of being able to support their families. Severe illnesses prevent people from finding work or love..." This is one of the sections where this book sucks. What a well written paragraph it is and yet it is such an artificial statement. It's sterile and neutral, it's a let-down from Mrs. Sandberg's personal story. It seems to sort victims into statistical categories. My own husband "fell" from a balcony, in our old home country Austria, in 2000. I was far away in the US, with our two young children. To this day there are unanswered questions about his death. Since 2014, I believe that my husband had CTE; he still boxed at the age of forty-seven. Only, in 2000, when the tragedy happened, nobody even knew about CTE. During the years when I could not even guess "the reason" I found out something Sandberg does not know: People ask stupid questions, like "What happened?" or, with pained grimace, "And, you didn't see this coming?" Though I learned quickly how to defend myself I wasn't able to protect my children. I'll never forget the day when my seven year old daughter came home from school, crying; a child who wasn't even in her class announced on the school bus quite loudly, "HER daddy went up on the highest skyscraper and jumped down. And, now he is dead." My little girl cried herself to sleep for weeks. My son who was on the same bus pretended it didn't happen. Which led me to working on my plan to move - out-of-state, so nobody would ever hurt my children again. The starting over again and again came at steep price. This is the kind of issue where "Option B" falls totally flat. Though Sandberg writes, "... Many people who had not experienced loss, even some very close friends, didn’t know what to say to me or my kids. Their discomfort being around us was palpable, especially in contrast to our previous ease..." it is clear that she "can't imagine" how much worse others' reactions could be. While it is only normal that nobody who lives on this planet would ask Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, "What happened?" when I published "my book" a reviewer even wrote in her review, "...In the opening, I wanted to know more about why/what happened, more details..." And, I wanted to post below, "Really, and why is that? How would this information 'enrich your life'?" but, I didn't. Though Sandberg doesn't address any of the "tough issues," her book is a well-meant effort to say, "Hey everybody, I may be the COO of Facebook but that doesn't make it easier to cope with loss. Here are my strategies. I hope they'll help you too." In 2012, I had the same plan. Like then hundreds and today thousands I penned a book about my strategies. In part, it is a funny book. I titled it "Naked Determination: 41 Stories About Overcoming Fear." Besides the 41 stories the book includes 41 sticky notes with concept thoughts to hold on to. It won two awards. In the age of self-publishing, this is what we do. Thousands of us who found and chose "Option B" share our stories in the hope that our coping strategies or the tricks we invented will help others. Since most authors don't have the option of having a professor coauthor most of them present mostly the specific actions that helped them; hence these books feel more "real and relatable." In contrast, "Option B" often feels like a stew that mixes personal stories with academic research, which seems to make it difficult to come up with a real action plan. So, what can or should be done with this book, which is a good book? As I read "... After the death of a loved one, only 60 percent of private sector workers get paid time off—and usually just a few days. When they return to work, grief can interfere with their job performance. ... In the United States alone, grief-related losses in productivity may cost companies as much as $75 billion annually..." I wondered if maybe sending a copy of this book to all senators and congress men and women could make an impact. I also would love to hear that every CEO of the Fortune 500 reads this book. So, what can or should be done with this book, which is a good book? As I read "... After the death of a loved one, only 60 percent of private sector workers get paid time off—and usually just a few days. When they return to work, grief can interfere with their job performance. ... In the United States alone, grief-related losses in productivity may cost companies as much as $75 billion annually..." I wondered if maybe sending a copy of this book to all senators and congress men and women could make an impact. I also would love to hear that every CEO of the Fortune 500 reads this book. Maybe the people who make decisions would be moved by Sheryl Sandberg's personal story and maybe the "academic part with dozens of studies" could convince them that to lead their corporations best they should accept some of the ideas Sandberg and Grant present. Maybe, one day, Sheryl Sandberg will even run for office? Whether she "hits the note" for all or not, it is obvious that she cares. 3 stars, Gisela Hausmann, author & email evangelist

Option B is one of THE most absorbing books I’ve ever read. 1. Option B is so well written, absorbing and warm, it could make anyone grieving feel less lonely – I know it did me. I have one child who has very significant special needs, and both my parents died expectantly many years ago. I miss them every single day. I’ve never read anything like Option B that has helped me acknowledge these challenges. I’m amazed by how a book could validate my feelings of loss – for what might have been – while also encouraging me to consider what is possible. Option B is a beautiful, persuasive call to action, honoring our sadness without allowing those feelings to overwhelm us. In the immediate hours after finishing Option B, I began to think it was possible not just to resist feelings of despair but how to become stronger. You can’t manufacture hope. You can’t dictate emotion. You just have to feel it, and I urge anyone who is staggered by grieving to read Option B as soon as you can. 2. Option B teaches us about resilience. I thought I understood resilience, but I didn’t know nearly as much as I thought. Perseverance, I learned, is not simply a random trait, but it can be discovered and nurtured. That’s a powerful thought, and a reminder that this book has so much density of goodness. 3. The theory of Option B is fascinating – as I understand it, that is Grant’s domain, the research. In addition to teaching us about what resilience really is, Option B contends that everyone actually can become more resilient. Looking through all the endnotes (175 of them), I am grateful that Grant sorted through this research (much of it is his or his colleagues) and that he and Sandberg wove it into the narrative. I want to read many of the sources in the endnotes, learn more, and continue on this journey. Oh my God – who can make readers want to read endnotes! These brilliant thinkers and doers can. 4. Option B is also a stunning parenting book and a wonderful way to look in the mirror. While I thought this was going to be a book about grief, it was far more. I felt so much relief reading such practical advice about children and grief and children and loss and children and doing what will help children grow rather than just what will make me feel better as a parent. 5. Option B really teaches SO much important stuff in such a kind way. For example, I’m one of those many parents who thought they understood Carol Dweck’s “mindset” work. I now get that I’m just at the start of this. And Sandberg and Grant help us without making us feel stupid or inadequate as some other parenting books do (though not by design of course). So many people like me will be able to become better parents and workers and friends from Option B. It’s like the authors both have modeled all this amazing stuff for the world through this remarkable page-turner – by telling us Sheryl’s story. How incredible the degree to which Option B just helped me identify changeable stuff in the last two hours. I’m hopeful about changing my behavior now that I see what can come of it, especially for my children, and the rest of my family. Thank you to the authors for opening this remarkable window into resilience and for providing so much research about it. I was so moved that Sandberg could be so brave and share so much about her husband Dave’s death in the name of teaching others. Reading Option B (and I’ve been reading it nonstop since I got it) makes me understand how I can be a better person. Thank you to the authors for making this possible and for writing this absolutely arresting book. It's a tour de force - get it as soon as you can! And get it for someone who you think is grieving, either in the traditional sense, or maybe very non-traditional sense.

This is an excellent book for those coping with difficult situations of any kind. Within a 18 month period our son became critically, chronically ill, I lost my hearing, and my husband developed Parkinson's and had brain surgery. We were in our 40's and caring for 2 sick parents and within this time our 2 other parents died after long difficult illnesses. I was working full time and sole support of the family in a high stress job. I learned many of the things that are so well articulated in this book. It is a great book to read and re-read when facing limited options in life. A book like this, this well-written is long overdue. The only thing that would have been more helpful would have been to put some of the main points in boxes or in outline form for referral without having to re-read the anecdotal test to find it.

Made for a beneficial and soothing gift for someone who was in need. It also helps guide people on how to assist those who are grieving.

Recommended by a friend who works in psychiatry. Really nicely written, not wordy or exclusively for academics, but rather focuses on human connection and it's necessity to (as the title suggests) face adversity, build resilience and find joy. Finds a nice balance between being 'too American' and the universal reader, even though some topics and studies focus mainly on American findings. Found myself applying simple suggestions addressed within the book, and they are effective (simply saying "is there something I can do to help?" rather than "is there anything I can do to help?"). A lot of content I felt I already knew, but this really made me mindful to this knowledge and helped address how to use it better in real life scenarios. I really enjoyed reading it (despite having not read Sandbergs 'Lean In') and would recommend it to others.

I have loved to feel honesty and heart lying behind any chosen word. I have appreciated as well the choice to give concrete advice so that we bounce forward with more ease while facing similar situations. Moreover, the layout of the book is original. Thank you Sheryl (and Adam) for sharing your story (and other people’s stories), which has already a meaningful impact inspiring me to become and to act as a better person. Sheryl, I sincerely hope that today there are both a smile on your face and a smile in your heart as small as they are…

I found the book very helpful. We recently had a great loss in our family. I think Sheryl has a sensitive style of writing but also a positive and uplifting way of making you feel like you're not alone. Grief was very sudden for our family with no way to prepare for the heartache that was coming. Sheryl takes those feelings that are hard to talk about and by writing about other people's and her own struggles you find some normalcy some how. I recommend this book for anyone who has suffered loss either directly or indirectly. You will find words in Option B to help yourself and others.

大事な人を失った悲しみや人生で起こるトラウマ的な出来事をどのようにして克服するかが書かれている。勉強になった。

As this was written in partnership with a physiologist there were some really helpful tips to healing - from grief, or any type of traumatic experience.